Advanced Voice Class

I haven't had voice lessons since high school. So you might imagine how excited I was to enroll in a class at school called "Advanced Voice."

HOLY Shit this class is my dream class.

. . .not for the singing

Here's the cast of characters:

(I don't remember everyone's name, so I'm going to make up some of the names.)

(I sort-of hate myself for exploiting some of these dear, sweet souls. Sort-of.)

(The suspected ages of these beautiful people are necessary for the story.)

Professor Johnson: Sweet, beautiful lady. Long white hair that she pulls back into a youthful bun/ponytail. Soft spoken. Excellent singer. Has an enormous repertoire of songs. Maybe in her early 60's??

Accompanist: Let's call her Amy. She's either a grad student or an alumni of Mannes. She's probably my age. Thank God for her sense of humor. Excellent pianist. She also accompanies an "old people's theatre group."

Rachael: Cool chick. There's something about her that reminds me of a camp counselor or an older sister or babysitter. I have no idea why she's in this class. She's a good singer with a precise, clear tone. She seems to enjoy the array of characters as much as I do.

Lorraine: Married, but a little too old to be a housewife. Maybe she's in her 50's? Always complains about "terrible translations" of the text in the Italian and French songs and prefers to sing in their original languages, which only leads me to assume that she's a foreign spy.

Dawn: Beautiful black soprano, probably in her 60's. She soars through the high notes.

Della: Early 70's. Brown bob haircut. Lazy Eye. (Oh, God forgive me!) She, too, has a beautiful soprano voice.

Morris: Late 70's. Hearing Aid. Loud. Not tone deaf, exactly -- Hearing impaired is all. In order to get his attention when he's not looking at you, you need to tap him on the shoulder, or yell, "MORRIS" at the top of your lungs while waving your hands in front of his face. Never is he discouraged by his condition, he is always equipped with a witty retort.

Kevin: Early 20's. Gay. Black. Composition student. Sometimes he can't contain the giggles in reaction to Morris and Morris's general state of Morris.


Okay, so we sing some Italian songs, and maybe one French number, several folk songs and a few turn-of the century art songs. The rest of the songs are songs written between 1947 and 1973 from obscure musicals such as Mother Wore Tights, Me and Juliet, and Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. There are a few recognizable ones. One of my fave's is called "Dearie." Above the first stave, it says, "Soft-Shoe Tempo."

Here's a sampling of the text:

DEARIE, do you remember when we waltzed to the Sousa band?
My, wasn't the music grand?
Chowder parties down by the seashore every Fourth o' July.
Test your memory, my
DEARIE, Do you recall when Henry Ford couldn't even fix
A running board under a Chandler "Six?"
DEARIE, life was cheery in the good old days gone by.
Do you remember?
If you remember, well, DEARIE you're much older than I!

So, I adore this class. Did I mention it meets for TWO FULL HOURS every Wednesday?
It's adorable. All we do is sing. There's no technique involved, so to speak. All of the songs are difficult to sing, with strange chord progressions, difficult arpeggios, or challenging time signatures. Thus, it is Advanced Voice.

My favorite part of the class is when, inevitably, after we sing through a love song, someone begins a discussion as to whether or not they agree with the sentiment. It started one day when Kevin decided to tell us all that he agreed with the line, "I'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else," from the song, "Love me or Leave Me" (Copyright 1928). Ever since that day, the class has become an open discussion about love. People don't usually talk about love in a sentimental way the way we do in this class. It's literally dreamy! Most of these singers have had much more experience on the subject than I have had. BUT - all of my sentimental ideals have been justified and I am happy to announce that I know now that I am on the right track, as far as love goes and I intend to stay on this track as long as humanly possible.

Same class, different subject - This is what happened yesterday:

We're singing through the olde English folk song "Barbara Allen." Before we begin, Morris screams, "CAREFUL! THERE'S A DIRTY WORD IN THIS SONG!"

We all sing though it, eager to find the word, "Cooter" in the middle of an olde English Folk song. We all came up empty. Rachael says/ screams while asking Della to tap him on the shoulder, "Morris!! Where was the dirty word?!!"

"I GUESS NONE OF YOU HAVE BEEN KEEPING UP WITH THE NEWS!!"

We are clueless.

"IN LONG ISLAND!! THOSE GIRLS GOT IN TROUBLE FOR READING A PLAY CALLED THE VIRGIN MONOLOGUES!!"

There is silence.

Oh dear.

Amy starts to say, "Morris the name of the play-" until she cuts herself off after glancing out at the class full of stunned and bewildered faces.

Della, it seems, is just as clueless as Morris, because she says, "Oh Yeah! I heard about that! 'The Virgin Monologues.'

We all sat there in silence for about two minutes before collectively deciding not to correct him.

It was all we could do to stop a hearing-impaired 73 year-old man from screaming the word "VAGINA."