Imaginary conversations with a "Celebrity"

Imaginary conversations I had with Carisa from Top Design, who almost got on my bus the other day:

#1
Me: How come, in the last month, the only celebrities that I have seen have been you and Michael from Top Design and both in proximity to time I have spent on a NYC bus that carries the Top Design ad on the side?
Carisa: We have designed ourself into the city.
Me: Wow, that's deep.
Carisa: Do you want me to design your apartment for free?
Me: Sure!

#2
Me: 'sup.
Carisa: You recognized me.
Me: Yep.
Carisa: You are the only person who watches the show.
Me: Oh.

#3
Me: Are you guys legally obligated to keep the outcome a secret until it airs?
Carisa: Stop talking to me, you stink. Take a shower after you go to the gym. And, what do you think you're wearing? Grey sweatpants and a bright teal jacket? TEAL. Seriously.
Me: You know, I'd imagine that you'd be living a more glamorous lifestyle after your show. Still living in the East Village? Still taking the bus? LOSER.
Carisa: I'm visiting my teminally ill friend in her apartment that she can't leave because she's crippled. And every day, I have been bringing her a design element to cheer up her stale and cramped apartment. See this green rope swing? It's perfect and maybe now she will live.

#4
Me: Are you guys legally obligated to keep the outcome a secret until it airs?
Carisa: What are you talking about. You live in my building, don't you?
Me: Shit. For some reason, I thought you were Carisa from Top Design.
Not Carisa: No.
Me: See you 'round the building!

#5
Carisa: You look like you might like to have your apartment re-designed for free.
Me: Sounds great!

"Tiny Tobias," Take II

Aaand ACTION!

"God bless us , every one!"

Tiny Tobias

"Merry Christmas every one!"

Tobias had a rough weekend. Friday, he had some mystery accident that left him with a fractured leg and a rupture achilles tendon. He had surgery on Saturday. Then, on Sunday evening, we learned that his favorite vittles, Iams Kitten chicken chunks in gravy, is really bad for his kidneys! Look at that adorable blue cast. It's not a hard cast so I couldn't sign it. Meowboo. I did, however, put stickers on his radar collar.

I am happy to report that 'Bias is completely unanware of his condition~

Muffin Time!

Advanced Voice Class

I haven't had voice lessons since high school. So you might imagine how excited I was to enroll in a class at school called "Advanced Voice."

HOLY Shit this class is my dream class.

. . .not for the singing

Here's the cast of characters:

(I don't remember everyone's name, so I'm going to make up some of the names.)

(I sort-of hate myself for exploiting some of these dear, sweet souls. Sort-of.)

(The suspected ages of these beautiful people are necessary for the story.)

Professor Johnson: Sweet, beautiful lady. Long white hair that she pulls back into a youthful bun/ponytail. Soft spoken. Excellent singer. Has an enormous repertoire of songs. Maybe in her early 60's??

Accompanist: Let's call her Amy. She's either a grad student or an alumni of Mannes. She's probably my age. Thank God for her sense of humor. Excellent pianist. She also accompanies an "old people's theatre group."

Rachael: Cool chick. There's something about her that reminds me of a camp counselor or an older sister or babysitter. I have no idea why she's in this class. She's a good singer with a precise, clear tone. She seems to enjoy the array of characters as much as I do.

Lorraine: Married, but a little too old to be a housewife. Maybe she's in her 50's? Always complains about "terrible translations" of the text in the Italian and French songs and prefers to sing in their original languages, which only leads me to assume that she's a foreign spy.

Dawn: Beautiful black soprano, probably in her 60's. She soars through the high notes.

Della: Early 70's. Brown bob haircut. Lazy Eye. (Oh, God forgive me!) She, too, has a beautiful soprano voice.

Morris: Late 70's. Hearing Aid. Loud. Not tone deaf, exactly -- Hearing impaired is all. In order to get his attention when he's not looking at you, you need to tap him on the shoulder, or yell, "MORRIS" at the top of your lungs while waving your hands in front of his face. Never is he discouraged by his condition, he is always equipped with a witty retort.

Kevin: Early 20's. Gay. Black. Composition student. Sometimes he can't contain the giggles in reaction to Morris and Morris's general state of Morris.


Okay, so we sing some Italian songs, and maybe one French number, several folk songs and a few turn-of the century art songs. The rest of the songs are songs written between 1947 and 1973 from obscure musicals such as Mother Wore Tights, Me and Juliet, and Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. There are a few recognizable ones. One of my fave's is called "Dearie." Above the first stave, it says, "Soft-Shoe Tempo."

Here's a sampling of the text:

DEARIE, do you remember when we waltzed to the Sousa band?
My, wasn't the music grand?
Chowder parties down by the seashore every Fourth o' July.
Test your memory, my
DEARIE, Do you recall when Henry Ford couldn't even fix
A running board under a Chandler "Six?"
DEARIE, life was cheery in the good old days gone by.
Do you remember?
If you remember, well, DEARIE you're much older than I!

So, I adore this class. Did I mention it meets for TWO FULL HOURS every Wednesday?
It's adorable. All we do is sing. There's no technique involved, so to speak. All of the songs are difficult to sing, with strange chord progressions, difficult arpeggios, or challenging time signatures. Thus, it is Advanced Voice.

My favorite part of the class is when, inevitably, after we sing through a love song, someone begins a discussion as to whether or not they agree with the sentiment. It started one day when Kevin decided to tell us all that he agreed with the line, "I'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else," from the song, "Love me or Leave Me" (Copyright 1928). Ever since that day, the class has become an open discussion about love. People don't usually talk about love in a sentimental way the way we do in this class. It's literally dreamy! Most of these singers have had much more experience on the subject than I have had. BUT - all of my sentimental ideals have been justified and I am happy to announce that I know now that I am on the right track, as far as love goes and I intend to stay on this track as long as humanly possible.

Same class, different subject - This is what happened yesterday:

We're singing through the olde English folk song "Barbara Allen." Before we begin, Morris screams, "CAREFUL! THERE'S A DIRTY WORD IN THIS SONG!"

We all sing though it, eager to find the word, "Cooter" in the middle of an olde English Folk song. We all came up empty. Rachael says/ screams while asking Della to tap him on the shoulder, "Morris!! Where was the dirty word?!!"

"I GUESS NONE OF YOU HAVE BEEN KEEPING UP WITH THE NEWS!!"

We are clueless.

"IN LONG ISLAND!! THOSE GIRLS GOT IN TROUBLE FOR READING A PLAY CALLED THE VIRGIN MONOLOGUES!!"

There is silence.

Oh dear.

Amy starts to say, "Morris the name of the play-" until she cuts herself off after glancing out at the class full of stunned and bewildered faces.

Della, it seems, is just as clueless as Morris, because she says, "Oh Yeah! I heard about that! 'The Virgin Monologues.'

We all sat there in silence for about two minutes before collectively deciding not to correct him.

It was all we could do to stop a hearing-impaired 73 year-old man from screaming the word "VAGINA."

Another BLOG??!! WTF.

I'm not leaving this blog, but I started another one that's about my adventures in school as a theremin major.

It's called Theremin Major. Duh.

Again, don't freak out. I'm just compartmentalizing my blog life. Now my theremin friends don't have to hear about the neverending muffins that Tobias makes, my friends friends aren't burned with my pitch-arm vibrato woes, and my REAL friends can subscribe to both and HANG ON EVERY WORD THAT I WILL EVER WRITE EVER. No pressure.

Okay. In other news, I'm on Spring Break. WOOO HOOOO!!! HA. OR in theremin language, WOOO WOOOOO!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Margarita's anybody? Seriously. I had one last night and I'd like to have at least one every day until Monday when the madness begins again. I'm hanging out in my bathing suit all week. In my apatment. With Tobias. The cat. I have a blender! Just bring over some tequila, triple sec and frozen lime juice concentrate. I'll do the mixing and we'll all do the drinking. HOLLER!!