[Palace of Employment] Fit Club

So, my palace of employment has begun a weight loss contest. The rules are similar to that of "Celebrity Fit Club" in that there are two teams that compete to lose the most weight.

Weigh-in here at [Palace of Employment] was at noon today. When I got to work this morning, there were bags of sausage/ham/bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches available for all to enjoy next to a giant plate on Entemmanns Chocolate Covered Doughnuts.
The general buzz around the office was, "What have you done to increase your poundage for the weigh-in?"

Female Assistant: OH, I've had 3 breakfasts. I've been stuffing my face since last night. I've gained 7 lbs. It'll be gone by tomorrow.
Other Female Assistant: I wonder how your going to do that.

IT Guy: I've been eating cookie dough since 7am. Gained 10 pounds.
Head IT Guy: DUDE! You idiot! You're gonna be fat tomorrow. I've gained the same amount by drinking water and eating cucumbers.

The draft was scheduled for Noon.

The two team captains went around to everyone in the draft asking them individually a.) how much weight they wanted to lose b.)how much weight they could guarantee that they could lose and c.) the least amount of weight that they expected to lose.

Since the team captains are financial analysts, it is most likely that they put all of this data on a spreadsheet and calculated draft picks accordingly.

I was not in the draft. I chose to be picked out of a hat. Because I'm a wild card.
Or, at least, I like to think of myself as a wild card. Sure, I'm training for a marathon, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to lose weight.
WILD CARD.

Anyway. The draft went very well. My team is called "Team Shrinkage."

The IT dudes generated outlook distribution lists for each team and the email hilarity hasn't stopped.

Apparently, our theme song is "I believe I can shrink" by R. Kelly.

All hell broke loose when I was told to make a daily sign-up sheet for cardio equipment in the company gym and then email everyone about it. It was clearly a move to make me the skapegoat for someone else's "fair" idea. Since I sent the email outlining the rules of the sign-up sheet, I have been getting nasty looks and hateful emails. Thanks a lot, [Shmacey].

Yeah, the palace has a gym.

Rock and Roll, Kid[ney]s

When I went to the Emergency Room on June 13th, my kid[ney]s HAD. A. BLAST.

They had been begging me ever since that fateful Tuesday to go back to the ER.

So, last Wednesday, around 8:30pm, the kid[ney]s just wouldn't shut up about wanting to go back and visit "auntie ER!"

So, being their caretaker, I found a bit of time in my busy schedule (I had to cancel a theremin gig, but hey, I love those little buggers)and I took my kid[ney]s to Beth Israel's Emergency Room (with some help from my kind roommate, who did all the talking to the cab driver and the hospital people, until I regained my speaking abilities - I was beyond words.)

Yeah, what can I say. I spoil 'em.

We had a most interesting adventure!

My roommate stayed in the waiting room. She really wanted "in" on the fun, but, y'know, I didn't want to ruin the bonding experience that I knew was taking place between me and the kid[ney]s. This was our time.

It was so funny how much the kid[ney]s were thirsting for attention! They are usually so quiet, but now I know that they will not hesitate to alert me when they need something. In this case, one of them (I'm going to call her RightSide) got my attention by continuously stabbing me in the right flank and abdomin!! So mischievious!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

There were nurses there in the Emergency Room. They were very hospitable (get it?) and they were like, "Sit down! Have some water!! The doctor will be right with you!!" And then the lady nurse with the Eastern European accent moved the dirty laundry out of the corner of the room, sat us down in a chair, and then pulled a curtain out that separated me from the guy the next chair over.

"Let the fun begin!" said I to the kid[ney]s.

RightSide answered me back with a stab-stab-stabby!! (cute!)

We observed the sights and sounds around us. The guy in the chair to our left talked to a nurse. He'd been in the ER for pain a lot lately and I think maybe she maybe suspected that he was a little blaspheme. They gave him an IV. He has sicle cell anemia and feels pain a lot in his legs. He asked for apple juice every 5 minutes. Every nurse put in at least one request for apple juice. Then, separately, they each brought him a glass of the stuff. He also had a Burger King Meal in his lap. The nurse moved him when he pulled back the curtain and said to me, "Are you okay? If you need to talk about anything, I'm right here."

Goodbye, pain guy.

Enter a girl about my age who seemed to be in pain. She was quiet and was later joined by her mother and her boyfriend. Very quiet. Me and the kid[ney]s were all, "what's up with that one?"

Then the doctor came over!! He wanted to visit us and give us advices. His name was Liron. Whatever that means.
He said that we weren't infected and that one of the kid[ney]s might be STONED!!

WHAT!! Well, you'd better bet I berated them harshly and grounded them immediately. No kid[ney] of mine is gonna be a stoned kid[ney]!! I simply won't have it!

WHAT OH WHAT HAVE I DONE THAT WOULD CAUSE THIS??!!!

Liron the doctor told me it was probably because I was training for a marathon out in the high temperatures, and probably, when I run a lot, I don't neccesarily drink enough water. He also says that I am going to get a CT scan to see how stoned the kid[ney]s are.

So it's my fault after all.

I feel terrible.

I can't believe my kid[ney]s got stoned behind my back and made me take them to the Emergency Room.

The nice nurse with the dreds and the smile gave us an IV. That was really disconcerting. We hate needles and things hooked up to our veins. The IV made us really, really, really cold. I asked repeatedly for a blanket, but I guess all the helpful people at the ER look down upon stoned-ness, so they kept forgetting to bring me a blanket.

While we waited, goose-bumped and with stoned kid[ney]s, other people came to the ER to hang out and get attention. One young white guy with dreds sat in a wheelchair and read quietly with bruises all over his face and legs. Shheeeesh.

Another doctor, named Kimberly, decided to hang out with us for a while and tell us the same thing that Liron the doctor told us, then she left.

At around midnight, a nice lady nurse with a pink nurse-suit on told us it was time for our CT scan. Hooorrayy!! We got to put on a hospital smock! The kid[ney]s were feeling much better because of that IV dripper.

When it was time, we went into the scan room with the nice guy who pushes the buttons and we lay down on the table in front of the CT scanner thing. THIS was for sure something that I had never experienced before with the kid[ney]s.

The nice scanner guy told me to put my arms above my head. He covered me with a sheet and then pushed the button that elevated the table and moved it towards the large hole where there was a whirling sound. We went through the scanner, the kid[ney]s and me, and then again, and again, and twice on the way out of the scan, a computerized voice said, "take a deep breath and hold it," and then "you may breathe normally" or something like that. FUN!!!

After the scan, we were put back in a chair to wait for the results. We were finally given a warm blanket and we napped for 2 hours (off and on) until 2:30am when the doctor named Liron told us that RightSide was the stoned kid[ney] but she was only 2mm stoned and it would pass in the next few days. Scary!!

Then, they let us go home.

YAYYY!!!

I was told to keep my kid[ney]s unstoned, that I will have to drink 3 quarts of water for the rest of my life.

HOORRAAYY!!!

The end.

Fourth

I found it.

I found the beach.

It happened on the Fourth of July at approximately 2:15pm, EST.