[Palace of Employment] Fit Club

So, my palace of employment has begun a weight loss contest. The rules are similar to that of "Celebrity Fit Club" in that there are two teams that compete to lose the most weight.

Weigh-in here at [Palace of Employment] was at noon today. When I got to work this morning, there were bags of sausage/ham/bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches available for all to enjoy next to a giant plate on Entemmanns Chocolate Covered Doughnuts.
The general buzz around the office was, "What have you done to increase your poundage for the weigh-in?"

Female Assistant: OH, I've had 3 breakfasts. I've been stuffing my face since last night. I've gained 7 lbs. It'll be gone by tomorrow.
Other Female Assistant: I wonder how your going to do that.

IT Guy: I've been eating cookie dough since 7am. Gained 10 pounds.
Head IT Guy: DUDE! You idiot! You're gonna be fat tomorrow. I've gained the same amount by drinking water and eating cucumbers.

The draft was scheduled for Noon.

The two team captains went around to everyone in the draft asking them individually a.) how much weight they wanted to lose b.)how much weight they could guarantee that they could lose and c.) the least amount of weight that they expected to lose.

Since the team captains are financial analysts, it is most likely that they put all of this data on a spreadsheet and calculated draft picks accordingly.

I was not in the draft. I chose to be picked out of a hat. Because I'm a wild card.
Or, at least, I like to think of myself as a wild card. Sure, I'm training for a marathon, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to lose weight.
WILD CARD.

Anyway. The draft went very well. My team is called "Team Shrinkage."

The IT dudes generated outlook distribution lists for each team and the email hilarity hasn't stopped.

Apparently, our theme song is "I believe I can shrink" by R. Kelly.

All hell broke loose when I was told to make a daily sign-up sheet for cardio equipment in the company gym and then email everyone about it. It was clearly a move to make me the skapegoat for someone else's "fair" idea. Since I sent the email outlining the rules of the sign-up sheet, I have been getting nasty looks and hateful emails. Thanks a lot, [Shmacey].

Yeah, the palace has a gym.