Rock and Roll, Kid[ney]s

When I went to the Emergency Room on June 13th, my kid[ney]s HAD. A. BLAST.

They had been begging me ever since that fateful Tuesday to go back to the ER.

So, last Wednesday, around 8:30pm, the kid[ney]s just wouldn't shut up about wanting to go back and visit "auntie ER!"

So, being their caretaker, I found a bit of time in my busy schedule (I had to cancel a theremin gig, but hey, I love those little buggers)and I took my kid[ney]s to Beth Israel's Emergency Room (with some help from my kind roommate, who did all the talking to the cab driver and the hospital people, until I regained my speaking abilities - I was beyond words.)

Yeah, what can I say. I spoil 'em.

We had a most interesting adventure!

My roommate stayed in the waiting room. She really wanted "in" on the fun, but, y'know, I didn't want to ruin the bonding experience that I knew was taking place between me and the kid[ney]s. This was our time.

It was so funny how much the kid[ney]s were thirsting for attention! They are usually so quiet, but now I know that they will not hesitate to alert me when they need something. In this case, one of them (I'm going to call her RightSide) got my attention by continuously stabbing me in the right flank and abdomin!! So mischievious!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

There were nurses there in the Emergency Room. They were very hospitable (get it?) and they were like, "Sit down! Have some water!! The doctor will be right with you!!" And then the lady nurse with the Eastern European accent moved the dirty laundry out of the corner of the room, sat us down in a chair, and then pulled a curtain out that separated me from the guy the next chair over.

"Let the fun begin!" said I to the kid[ney]s.

RightSide answered me back with a stab-stab-stabby!! (cute!)

We observed the sights and sounds around us. The guy in the chair to our left talked to a nurse. He'd been in the ER for pain a lot lately and I think maybe she maybe suspected that he was a little blaspheme. They gave him an IV. He has sicle cell anemia and feels pain a lot in his legs. He asked for apple juice every 5 minutes. Every nurse put in at least one request for apple juice. Then, separately, they each brought him a glass of the stuff. He also had a Burger King Meal in his lap. The nurse moved him when he pulled back the curtain and said to me, "Are you okay? If you need to talk about anything, I'm right here."

Goodbye, pain guy.

Enter a girl about my age who seemed to be in pain. She was quiet and was later joined by her mother and her boyfriend. Very quiet. Me and the kid[ney]s were all, "what's up with that one?"

Then the doctor came over!! He wanted to visit us and give us advices. His name was Liron. Whatever that means.
He said that we weren't infected and that one of the kid[ney]s might be STONED!!

WHAT!! Well, you'd better bet I berated them harshly and grounded them immediately. No kid[ney] of mine is gonna be a stoned kid[ney]!! I simply won't have it!

WHAT OH WHAT HAVE I DONE THAT WOULD CAUSE THIS??!!!

Liron the doctor told me it was probably because I was training for a marathon out in the high temperatures, and probably, when I run a lot, I don't neccesarily drink enough water. He also says that I am going to get a CT scan to see how stoned the kid[ney]s are.

So it's my fault after all.

I feel terrible.

I can't believe my kid[ney]s got stoned behind my back and made me take them to the Emergency Room.

The nice nurse with the dreds and the smile gave us an IV. That was really disconcerting. We hate needles and things hooked up to our veins. The IV made us really, really, really cold. I asked repeatedly for a blanket, but I guess all the helpful people at the ER look down upon stoned-ness, so they kept forgetting to bring me a blanket.

While we waited, goose-bumped and with stoned kid[ney]s, other people came to the ER to hang out and get attention. One young white guy with dreds sat in a wheelchair and read quietly with bruises all over his face and legs. Shheeeesh.

Another doctor, named Kimberly, decided to hang out with us for a while and tell us the same thing that Liron the doctor told us, then she left.

At around midnight, a nice lady nurse with a pink nurse-suit on told us it was time for our CT scan. Hooorrayy!! We got to put on a hospital smock! The kid[ney]s were feeling much better because of that IV dripper.

When it was time, we went into the scan room with the nice guy who pushes the buttons and we lay down on the table in front of the CT scanner thing. THIS was for sure something that I had never experienced before with the kid[ney]s.

The nice scanner guy told me to put my arms above my head. He covered me with a sheet and then pushed the button that elevated the table and moved it towards the large hole where there was a whirling sound. We went through the scanner, the kid[ney]s and me, and then again, and again, and twice on the way out of the scan, a computerized voice said, "take a deep breath and hold it," and then "you may breathe normally" or something like that. FUN!!!

After the scan, we were put back in a chair to wait for the results. We were finally given a warm blanket and we napped for 2 hours (off and on) until 2:30am when the doctor named Liron told us that RightSide was the stoned kid[ney] but she was only 2mm stoned and it would pass in the next few days. Scary!!

Then, they let us go home.

YAYYY!!!

I was told to keep my kid[ney]s unstoned, that I will have to drink 3 quarts of water for the rest of my life.

HOORRAAYY!!!

The end.