Paranoia

Stickerbook is covering Black Sabbath's Paranoid.
I'm playing drums.

Sometimes, when I feel most distant from friends, I assume that I have
done something terrible to warrant a "cut-off."

Like today, I felt pretty good at 9am. I haven't received a single
email all day, though! No word from anyone!!! It's nearly 5pm and
I'm going crazy!

My first thoughts: Oh my goodness, I did something, didn't I. I said
something to someone. Last night? Last weekend? What was it? Was I
drunk? I don't remember being that drunk! Did I hurt your feelings?
Did I hurt you? Did I inflict agony on someone! Crap!! You guys
have to tell me when I do that! I am so sorry! Will you ever be able
to forgive me?? Oh, wow. I should really just not say or do
anything. I don't want to mess everything up like I always do.

My next thoughts: Oh, my goodness. I am so selfish. Other people
have other things going on in their lives. They can't just talk to me
all the time. Jeez, how retarded of me. Of course. OF COURSE.
Relax. Use this time to work on Jen.

After those thoughts: What if something happened to everyone I know.
Was there an accident in another part of town that I haven't heard
about yet? Where is everyone! Oh, no. This is awful. I'm
devistated.

Then: Probably nothing happened, but what if it did? What if
something terrible happened to all my friends that I care about so
much! That is the most awful thing that could possibly happen!! That
would be just awful!! I would have to get out of here. I wouldn't
care! Forget about this temp job! Let 'em see me cry! I would
scream as I run out the door, "These are feelings, people!! Pray to
God nothing like this ever happens to you!!"

Next: I can't believe I think things like that. What an awful way to
live. I should really learn to use my imagination in a more positive
way. I should imagine that everyone who is not emailing me is
probably just getting an award, or working on their own masterpieces,
or dancing to loud music. I bet I can get more creative than that,
but it's gonna take time and practice.

From now on I promise to use my imagination for good and positivity
instead of using it to freak myself out.