we shall not cease from exploration

I Think I Might Start to Write in This Again.

2008-08-06T20:10:00.002-04:00

Did I capitalize my title correctly?

Recently I have been feeling the impulse to write in this blog again. I don't want my other blog to feel bad, but seriously, that one is only for my educational endeavors. The last thing I wrote was personal and it just felt wrong to put it in that blog, you dig?

I'm not completely certain about this yet, and I don't have any time right now to write anything that's gonna blow your mind. Yeah, I gots things to do, y'all. Karaoke things. It's been waaaay too long.

Remind me to write about the dogs.

I've been spending more time with dogs these days than with humans. No, that's not true. Maybe the same amount of time.

Okay, peace.

Not much

2007-08-13T22:30:00.000-04:00

to say about what's going on in my life that can be written online in a blog with any shred of integrity other than this:

Dear Tobias,

Don't you DARE ever do this to me again. 36 hours is 36 hours too long.

xoxo,
Jen

Blogstipated~

2007-07-27T04:35:00.000-04:00

I'm seriously backed up here.

I've been travelling quite a bit all summer long and have had countless adventures - all of which I have not documented to my satisfaction in their entirety. (I will, indeed, carry out this task. I made a vow to someone that I would.)

My narrative/editorial-or-whatever "voice," I guess it's called, seems to have declared its independence from the state of my mind. This voice lives with my mind, but only comes out of it's room to be fed when we're both on holiday.

You may have noticed that I just used the term "on holiday." Clever, my dear Poirot! AAaaaagh! I did it again!

So you know how if one is fluent in a language (let's say it's French), if one is in France (or French Canada or Senegal or whateves), one will start to think and dream in French? One's mind unwhittingly encourages metamorphosis and you become Frog.

Well, I think I have realized just now that I am fluent in British because, God help me, I'm thinking with an English accent. I'm saying things like "lift" and "rubbish" in my head and it won't let up!

This dodgy "voice" of mine has gone all Union Jack on my arse!

Here's why this may be embarassing:

1.) It seems my brain has uploaded from my own subconscious ALL of th UK-isms I have ever heard without discrepency causing the voice to over-UK all of my thoughts, transforming me into an obnoxious caricature of British culture.

2.) When I speak to anyone I have to so very carefully and, with utmost focus, and with American accent.

Let's go back to the French language scenario: you're fluent in French, you got to France, the metamorphosis occurrs, you BECOME a Frenchie, BUT you are, for some reason, embarrased to show it, so you have to translate everything back into English. I'll bet you 10 quid you'll be speaking English with a French accent.

I feel as if I am affecting an American accent.

I sound like a British actor in a terrible communtiy theatre production of Steel Magnolias.

3.) I feel like Harry Potter psychophant.

SO here's my proposition:

Can we make a public decision that while we travel, we may administer a "when in Rome" attitude to accents as we try to do with languages? *

* It is of dire importance to mention that if one were in a French-speaking Country, one would only speak French if one KNOWS THE LANGUAGE. While minor grammar slip-ups and misinterpretation of slang is common among those who are learning to actively speak their second language, complete diregard and the subsequent mutilation of the language is unforgivable and should be considered a national offence. In other words, don't be a jerk: adopt an accent only if you can do son unoffensively.

WHY AM I IN THE UK??!!!

Hands Off 2007: A Theremin Symposium

If there's WiFi at the school where the symposium is taking place, I will blog about it. But not here.

Here:

www.thereminjen.wordpress.com

Cheers for now!! I leave you with a photo of last nights meal, cheese and biscuits:

No, I said BLOGstipation.

More from Summerstage

2007-07-23T11:04:00.000-04:00

Here's a snippet of "Careless Whisper."

Summerstage

2007-07-20T13:25:00.000-04:00

So, last night, this happened:

What is that?

Oh! THAT's Stickerbook. Performing at Summerstage in Central Park, NYC.

More photos on the way.

Stealthy

2007-07-13T16:49:00.000-04:00

Tobias, what exactly is going on in that little furry feline head of yours?

Baby Week!

2007-07-05T15:19:00.000-04:00

This week, I was invited upstate to my best friend's husband's family farm to visit with them and their nine month-old twins.

As soon as I got to the farm, they shoved a glass of red wine in one of my hands, a bowl full of mush in the other and told me to shove food in one of their two-toothed baby mouths. After that, they kicked me and my Goddaughter outside and told me it was photo time.

Two days later, she shoved her little finger in my eye and told me in not so many words, "Today, you will be temporarily blind in one eye HAHAHA! What fun!"

We're still friends, but the incident allowed me to feel less uncomfortable about laughing at her when she does silly little baby things, like falling over backwards onto a huge pile of pillows while she's playing.

HAHAHA! What fun!

Funny Friends

2007-06-28T17:49:00.000-04:00

Let's face it. I have funny friends. Funny friends from my band, from my time here in NYC, from high school, from college . . .

Here are some from college:

Ginsberg

2007-06-20T15:39:00.000-04:00

Doing some research for a larger piece I've been thinking about writing, I finally emailed the Allen Ginsberg Trust to find out if they new anything more about my apartment other than that what's written on the plaque outside my building.

For those of you who aren't "in the know" about current living situation (ie, you are OUTTA THE LOOP MY FRIEND), I'm fortunate to live in an east village apartment that was inhabited by Allen Ginsberg from 1958 until 1961. He wrote the poem, "Kaddish," while living here.

I got an email response less than an hour later in which he included a pdf file from the book "Bill Morgan's Beat NYC Walking Tour." Here's what it says:

I don't know if it's illegal or not to have posted that. Let me know if it is.

Where my Golden Compass nerds at?

2007-06-17T18:01:00.000-04:00

My daemon will be fixed in 12 days, so if you agree or disagree with this daemon for me, follow the link and comment IMMEDIATELY!

Time is of the essence.

This new computer

2007-06-08T07:11:00.000-04:00

should be a reason to get a'bloggin, eh? Well, okay. Maybe. Instead of blogging, I guess I've been taking a lot of pictures of my cat.

I got a free printer/scanner with the computer so that should come as SOME kind of blogging incentive, right?

Right.

You can make movies on this thing, too!

Birthday!

2007-04-23T11:02:00.000-04:00

Celebrity Wednesday!!

2007-04-04T22:20:00.000-04:00

How many times does something happen before it becomes a pattern? Three times?

Last Wednesday, I saw Carisa from Top Design.

Today, in Chelsea, in the pouring rain, I was waiting to cross the street and a fella stepped out in front of me and crossed through the slowly moving traffic. When he got to the other side, he glanced back at me and looked me straight in the eyes for two full seconds.

That fella was Ethan Hawke.

But not only did I get eye contact. After the two seconds I got something even better. I got an awkward quirky Hawke from Reality Bites facial expression. I guess he was embarrassed to be caught a-glancin'!!

Man, my ass must look sweet in sweatpants.

Too bad my face caused that reaction.

Anyway, last year around this time, I had a Robert Sean Leonard eye contact moment in the subway.

So, if THREE times a pattern makes, I can assume that next Wednesday I will have a celebrity siting completely unrelated to Carisa and Ethan AND I can assume that next April, I will see another Actor/Actress from either Dead Poets Society or Tape.

Let's do this, universe!

PS: This is a completely separate subject.

Lately, I've been watching a lot of The View. (That's right, my fellow daytime TV friends.) (Natasha.)

Here's what bothers me.

The series, "I can't believe a kid did it."

Yesterday, the child actress, 10 year-old Kelsey Fowler, from the Broadway musical Grey Gardens was on the show. She sang, she danced, she was adorable. Rosie gave her and her family a Disney Cruise.

Today's show was a rerun, but there was a kid on the show who was awesome at skateboarding -- 10 year-old skateboarding phenomenon Mitchie Brusco. His reward? Mitch and all his friends went over to the ESPN Zone to eat in their luxury suite skybox and then enjoyed a shopping spree in their store along with unlimited game cards to use in their fantastic sports arcade!

Why do these kids get MORE prizes when they got to go on TV and show off the fact that they were born with a crapload of talent??!! Kelsey is starring in a Broadway musical!! That's already a lot of people's DREAM!! Why do Mitchie and his friends get to go to ESPN Zone??!! Mitchie is already a famous person!!

So many exclamation marks!!!

Should prizes should go to people with no talent? NO!
It's just that people with talent already get prizes. It confuses me when they get rewarded twice.

It's like saying, "You won!! . . . so you win!!! . . .so you win more!!!! . . .so you win even more!!!!!," Exponentially.

Isn't it?

Right Hawke-eye?

Imaginary conversations with a "Celebrity"

2007-03-30T13:02:00.000-04:00

Imaginary conversations I had with Carisa from Top Design, who almost got on my bus the other day:

#1
Me: How come, in the last month, the only celebrities that I have seen have been you and Michael from Top Design and both in proximity to time I have spent on a NYC bus that carries the Top Design ad on the side?
Carisa: We have designed ourself into the city.
Me: Wow, that's deep.
Carisa: Do you want me to design your apartment for free?
Me: Sure!

#2
Me: 'sup.
Carisa: You recognized me.
Me: Yep.
Carisa: You are the only person who watches the show.
Me: Oh.

#3
Me: Are you guys legally obligated to keep the outcome a secret until it airs?
Carisa: Stop talking to me, you stink. Take a shower after you go to the gym. And, what do you think you're wearing? Grey sweatpants and a bright teal jacket? TEAL. Seriously.
Me: You know, I'd imagine that you'd be living a more glamorous lifestyle after your show. Still living in the East Village? Still taking the bus? LOSER.
Carisa: I'm visiting my teminally ill friend in her apartment that she can't leave because she's crippled. And every day, I have been bringing her a design element to cheer up her stale and cramped apartment. See this green rope swing? It's perfect and maybe now she will live.

#4
Me: Are you guys legally obligated to keep the outcome a secret until it airs?
Carisa: What are you talking about. You live in my building, don't you?
Me: Shit. For some reason, I thought you were Carisa from Top Design.
Not Carisa: No.
Me: See you 'round the building!

#5
Carisa: You look like you might like to have your apartment re-designed for free.
Me: Sounds great!

"Tiny Tobias," Take II

2007-03-22T09:28:00.000-04:00

Aaand ACTION!

"God bless us , every one!"

Tiny Tobias

2007-03-19T23:44:00.001-04:00

"Merry Christmas every one!"

Tobias had a rough weekend. Friday, he had some mystery accident that left him with a fractured leg and a rupture achilles tendon. He had surgery on Saturday. Then, on Sunday evening, we learned that his favorite vittles, Iams Kitten chicken chunks in gravy, is really bad for his kidneys! Look at that adorable blue cast. It's not a hard cast so I couldn't sign it. Meowboo. I did, however, put stickers on his radar collar.

I am happy to report that 'Bias is completely unanware of his condition~

Muffin Time!

Advanced Voice Class

2007-03-15T09:04:00.000-04:00

I haven't had voice lessons since high school. So you might imagine how excited I was to enroll in a class at school called "Advanced Voice."

HOLY Shit this class is my dream class.

. . .not for the singing

Here's the cast of characters:

(I don't remember everyone's name, so I'm going to make up some of the names.)

(I sort-of hate myself for exploiting some of these dear, sweet souls. Sort-of.)

(The suspected ages of these beautiful people are necessary for the story.)

Professor Johnson: Sweet, beautiful lady. Long white hair that she pulls back into a youthful bun/ponytail. Soft spoken. Excellent singer. Has an enormous repertoire of songs. Maybe in her early 60's??

Accompanist: Let's call her Amy. She's either a grad student or an alumni of Mannes. She's probably my age. Thank God for her sense of humor. Excellent pianist. She also accompanies an "old people's theatre group."

Rachael: Cool chick. There's something about her that reminds me of a camp counselor or an older sister or babysitter. I have no idea why she's in this class. She's a good singer with a precise, clear tone. She seems to enjoy the array of characters as much as I do.

Lorraine: Married, but a little too old to be a housewife. Maybe she's in her 50's? Always complains about "terrible translations" of the text in the Italian and French songs and prefers to sing in their original languages, which only leads me to assume that she's a foreign spy.

Dawn: Beautiful black soprano, probably in her 60's. She soars through the high notes.

Della: Early 70's. Brown bob haircut. Lazy Eye. (Oh, God forgive me!) She, too, has a beautiful soprano voice.

Morris: Late 70's. Hearing Aid. Loud. Not tone deaf, exactly -- Hearing impaired is all. In order to get his attention when he's not looking at you, you need to tap him on the shoulder, or yell, "MORRIS" at the top of your lungs while waving your hands in front of his face. Never is he discouraged by his condition, he is always equipped with a witty retort.

Kevin: Early 20's. Gay. Black. Composition student. Sometimes he can't contain the giggles in reaction to Morris and Morris's general state of Morris.

Okay, so we sing some Italian songs, and maybe one French number, several folk songs and a few turn-of the century art songs. The rest of the songs are songs written between 1947 and 1973 from obscure musicals such as Mother Wore Tights, Me and Juliet, and Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. There are a few recognizable ones. One of my fave's is called "Dearie." Above the first stave, it says, "Soft-Shoe Tempo."

Here's a sampling of the text:

DEARIE, do you remember when we waltzed to the Sousa band?
My, wasn't the music grand?
Chowder parties down by the seashore every Fourth o' July.
Test your memory, my
DEARIE, Do you recall when Henry Ford couldn't even fix
A running board under a Chandler "Six?"
DEARIE, life was cheery in the good old days gone by.
Do you remember?
If you remember, well, DEARIE you're much older than I!

So, I adore this class. Did I mention it meets for TWO FULL HOURS every Wednesday?
It's adorable. All we do is sing. There's no technique involved, so to speak. All of the songs are difficult to sing, with strange chord progressions, difficult arpeggios, or challenging time signatures. Thus, it is Advanced Voice.

My favorite part of the class is when, inevitably, after we sing through a love song, someone begins a discussion as to whether or not they agree with the sentiment. It started one day when Kevin decided to tell us all that he agreed with the line, "I'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else," from the song, "Love me or Leave Me" (Copyright 1928). Ever since that day, the class has become an open discussion about love. People don't usually talk about love in a sentimental way the way we do in this class. It's literally dreamy! Most of these singers have had much more experience on the subject than I have had. BUT - all of my sentimental ideals have been justified and I am happy to announce that I know now that I am on the right track, as far as love goes and I intend to stay on this track as long as humanly possible.

Same class, different subject - This is what happened yesterday:

We're singing through the olde English folk song "Barbara Allen." Before we begin, Morris screams, "CAREFUL! THERE'S A DIRTY WORD IN THIS SONG!"

We all sing though it, eager to find the word, "Cooter" in the middle of an olde English Folk song. We all came up empty. Rachael says/ screams while asking Della to tap him on the shoulder, "Morris!! Where was the dirty word?!!"

"I GUESS NONE OF YOU HAVE BEEN KEEPING UP WITH THE NEWS!!"

We are clueless.

"IN LONG ISLAND!! THOSE GIRLS GOT IN TROUBLE FOR READING A PLAY CALLED THE VIRGIN MONOLOGUES!!"

There is silence.

Oh dear.

Amy starts to say, "Morris the name of the play-" until she cuts herself off after glancing out at the class full of stunned and bewildered faces.

Della, it seems, is just as clueless as Morris, because she says, "Oh Yeah! I heard about that! 'The Virgin Monologues.'

We all sat there in silence for about two minutes before collectively deciding not to correct him.

It was all we could do to stop a hearing-impaired 73 year-old man from screaming the word "VAGINA."

Another BLOG??!! WTF.

2007-03-06T12:53:00.000-05:00

I'm not leaving this blog, but I started another one that's about my adventures in school as a theremin major.

It's called Theremin Major. Duh.

Again, don't freak out. I'm just compartmentalizing my blog life. Now my theremin friends don't have to hear about the neverending muffins that Tobias makes, my friends friends aren't burned with my pitch-arm vibrato woes, and my REAL friends can subscribe to both and HANG ON EVERY WORD THAT I WILL EVER WRITE EVER. No pressure.

Okay. In other news, I'm on Spring Break. WOOO HOOOO!!! HA. OR in theremin language, WOOO WOOOOO!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Margarita's anybody? Seriously. I had one last night and I'd like to have at least one every day until Monday when the madness begins again. I'm hanging out in my bathing suit all week. In my apatment. With Tobias. The cat. I have a blender! Just bring over some tequila, triple sec and frozen lime juice concentrate. I'll do the mixing and we'll all do the drinking. HOLLER!!

Oxfords, Penny Loafers, Bookbag: Check!

2007-01-31T07:41:00.000-05:00

Goin' Back. Back. BACK, back to school again.

I've been in school for a week and a half.

Yesterday, I think I made a friend.

Her name is Irene, she's a clarinet major, and she's probably 18. I don't know if she is yet aware that I'm "approaching 30." We're going to hang out on Thursday and go get our email addresses, which, inconveniently, is a process that takes place 75 blocks south of Mannes College of Music.

When Irene realized that we were in two back-to-back classes together on Tuesdays and Thursdays, she started speaking to me.
I thought she was an undergrad. I thought a lot of the kids in my classes were undergrads. Turns out they are not, they simply aren't going to go to college. This diploma is all that they're going to have. That's cool! Liberal arts shmiberal arts! Who needs to take an anthropology elective if you know you're gonna rock it out on your Oboe for eternity?

My classes are made up of students who are either 18 and who are over 40. I have seen, maybe, two people who seem to be in the middle, like me, but I have not spoken to any of them. So far, Irene has really kinda been "dissing" the over 40 crowd.

"Jen!," She stops me by slapping me on the bookbag as I head down the stairs, "That lady who was sitting next to me in theory needs to chill the f-out! She doesn't need to answer all the questions. There are other people paying to take this class too!" Then she pauses and becomes a high school student, "I don't want to go to Music History."

Truth is, that lady and I were both answering all the questions. In high school, I didn't participate in class because I didn't always know the answers, and I didn't really understand why I was learning. In college, I didn't participate in class unless I knew my answer was brilliant, which happened very rarely. In both cases, I ended up feeling like a passive observer instead of an active and enthusiastic class participant. The teachers either didn't see me at all, or grouped me in with the slackers. In college, this was devistating, because I really did have a passion for what I was learning. Except for Modern Electronic Technology, which I dropped after a week of listening to the professor explain how bar codes worked.

My point is: In the past I have held a reeeal steady resentment towards any overly-active class participant. That f-ing brown-noser who sits in the front row of class and talks to the TA for 15 minutes before and after class has been #1 on my shit list. Why did she get an A in the class!!! That IDIOT didn't really get it! I GOT IT. . . I just didn't talk to anyone about it. like only douchbags do.)

Until now. I have decided to be that douchbag. Actively. And I love it. I did pay to take these classes. So, I'm taking a front-row seat. I'm interrupting the professor when I don't understand. They all know me. I'm the theremin player.

So, Did Irene not notice that I was being as obnoxious as that loathsome lady? Maybe she was trying to "learn" me the ways of Mannes. Maybe she looks at me and thinks I have Pink Lady potential, but I just need to proove it to the rest of the kids at the senior carnival. In all seriousness, though, what the crap did Sandy ever get from Danny, other than a lifetime (and even that is wishful thinking) of greased-up boot-knocking? (Sure, they defied science in that last scene when the "lightnin' " took off into space, but look at us, 50+ years later with no flying cars.) I bet Patty Simcox is a Nobel Prize-winning neurosurgeon who spent 5 years in Uganda with the Peace Corps and who, now, in addition to her career, runs 3 non-profits while training for triathalons with her best-selling novelist husband, while her kids maintain an organic soybean farm in Rhode Island and raise Triple-Crown-worthy stallions.

My response to Irene's, "I don't want to go to Music History, " lament?

"Why not? Come on! It'll be interesting!!"

Irene, if you google me and find this blog, please don't take offense. You're awesome. And not only because you gave me your locker combination and told me we could share. (For reals, My back is killing me and I really needed a place to store my amp at school. Thanks!) But you're awesome because you play the clarinet and you have helped me actively choose to become a mature student. See ya Thursday!

What Happens in VEGAS . . .

2007-01-24T09:04:00.000-05:00

Stays in Vegas.

Right, Wycleff?

I got tagged. Now I have to tell you 5 things about me that you don't know.

2007-01-17T11:25:00.000-05:00

Eliza did this to me. Evidently, this is a blog game.

OKAY! I'll play! Stop poking me.

If you are reading this and have heard one of these 5 secrets of mine, you are one of maybe 2-5 people IN THE WHOLE WORLD that knows these things, so please don't call me out on it. . .

Here goes:

1. ) This is something I just found out yesterday: The kidney stone that I had in August never passed and now it has grown. It was 2mm in August. Then I ran a marathon and it grew to 5mm. So, I'm just sitting around at home with some percocet ready, drinking water, and waiting for it to pass before I go to Vegas this weekend. HOORAY!!

2.)When I was a girl of 5 years or so, my parents got me a pupply. A shi-tzu puppy. The breed of dog was not my decision, nor was the name. My father named this poor pooch Dr. Wellington Koo after the "Finance Minister of China during the Chiang Kai-shek regime. " That was the quote I used to explain the name from 1983 until the poor pups passing around 1991 or so. My paternal Great Grandfather, Wilbur Hammaker, was a Bishop in the Methodist Church. His many years as a missionary in China with his lovely wife Willamina is what, I assume, inspired my father to name the dog in such an uppity fashion. Wellington stunk because of terrible skin problems but that didn't stop my mom taking him everywhere with her in the Oldsmobile.

3.) Speaking of China, I am currently eating leftover Chinese food.

4.) When I am home in Atlanta, I watch the TV show Charmed almost every day. It comes on from 8am to 10am, weekdays on TNT. I don't always catch the full 2 hours, because I will only watch the show if no one else is in the room (out of obvious embarrassment) and my parents wake up between 9am and 10am.

5.) Someday, hopefully before I'm 40, I want to have a huge family -- meaning a husband and more than 2 kids. And I want to live in a noisy house where the doors are always open to visitors and the kitchen is always fully stocked. I guess what I'm saying is, I may have eclectic tastes, but I want to live a typical American life. Someday.

Now I will tag 5 people.

Natasha
Becky Y.
Frannie P.
Ashley
Amanda

Go to it!!

Countdown to Vegas: 7 days

2007-01-12T16:33:00.000-05:00

I'm going to Vegas in 7 days. Three of my friends from high school and I will be spending a weekend in "Sin City" to celebrate the year that we all turn 30.
Some of our plans include:
* Seeing Cirque du Soleil!
* Eating a fancy meal!
* Eating a buffet-style meal!
* My 2nd trip to a SPA!
* Going to see the fancy-ass stage show, Jubilee!, complete with a cast of hundreds and headdresses!
* Dancing at a trendy club.
* Not gambling very much!

But, before I go party my twenties away, I have to audition for the extension program at Mannes School of Music. I have convinced the director and assistant director of this program to open their minds and their school to me and my theremin. If accepted, I will be a classical theremin major and I will begin my studies as soon as I get back from Vegas.

I can't help but view this trip to Vegas as a real ending to my 20's. I don't actually turn 30 until April 22nd, but 30 years ago on January 22nd, my babymomma was beginning her 3rd trimester, so I was a little girl already fo sho.

My feelings on the matter are as follows:

I'M SO GLAD MY 20's ARE OVER!!

I spent my 20's trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. It took me 10 years to figure this out. If I hadn't fallen on my face so many times, humiliating myself and those around me, I would never have figured what I want to do: play an impossibly obscure instrument and attempt to do so in a way that may bring me great scrutiny from real-time musicians!

It is only because I have failed doing several other things during my 20's that I am able to venture forth into unknown territory without fear.

So please keep me in your thoughts on Tuesday as I audition for this music school. If accepted, I will be a pioneer in my currently non-existent field of study.

If I am denied, well then, I'll just begin my 30's on my actual birthday, April 22nd, 2007.

Oh! And if anyone has been to Vegas lately and has any itinerary suggestions, please let me know!

Happy Birthday, weirdo.

Countdown to Vegas : 9 days

2007-01-10T17:42:00.000-05:00

Observations and information on January 10th, 2007:

Hey Whoopie, what's with the stoner shades? I've never seen you look through them. That's not some kind of metaphor.
I am hopelessly obsessed with my cat, Tobias. I've never felt this way about a cat before. Sorry Ludlow. It just wasn't the same and, quite frankly, you seemed to be able to move on so easily! Professor: If you can actually read, congratulations. You have far surpassed my expectations and I am to blame for that.
I just saw The Queen. She is a fantastically complex Lady and I admire her. She reminds me of my mother.
Speaking of my mother, she just had her second CT scan and the results are astounding. She has only 10% of her tumors left. This news defeats the odds, is quite extraordinary, and proves that anything is possible. Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers.

December, 1975

Thanks, Christmas!

2007-01-03T10:52:00.000-05:00

The good news is: I will be back in NY on Friday.

The better news is: I have had a vastly fulfilling experience in Atlanta!

I really won this year in the Christmas present category.

Yes, I'm bragging. I am fantastically blessed.

For Christmas, I asked for some "help" from my parents because I am going to Vegas with 3 of my high school friends. What I got was:

1.) Plenty of "help."

We all know what this means. I usually HATE to ask for help and consider it bad luck. This time, it was different. I've been home for almost a month and during my time here, I have been working almost constantly. The errands I run for my parents are similar to the errands I ran at the Palace of Employment. I return items to department stores. I get supplies (groceries). Instead of filing, I've been scanning and archiving 30+ years of photos. Instead of putting together an office cocktail party, I threw a Holiday party for my mom AND did most of the cooking. I tolerated living in my parents house for approximately four weeks - a walk in the park in comparison to what I put up with from some of my former co-workers on a bad day. Also, I'm a much better employee here than I was at the Palace because I spend much less time idly surfing the internet.

2.) My Holiday Bonus: A new theremin.

3.) And, last but not least, from my best friend and her husband, I got:

A Goddaughter: Lucy Ann (in pink).

This year is already trumps last year.

Happy Holidays From All Of Us.

2006-12-25T00:24:00.000-05:00

By "All Of Us" I mean me 20 years ago at Disney World.

SPAM

2006-12-11T20:58:00.000-05:00

Nice try, spammers! Another day of trying your best and you still haven't fooled me. You have me enticed, though, spam-people. Gmail has much more interesting spam than hotmail ever did! From today's email, here are some of my favorite spam people, subjects, and parts of first paragraphs:

(from) Sonny Church
(subject) Re: help never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of backup tapes

Regina Fontenot
his regular cupboard in that chamber; there I determined to bestow them. The whic

so. Justice
Wow! That's Unbelievable! - unless material bench. Rugged diskwas evolving para

Elijah Hur
Re: reclam reaffir - thought I heard a low moan from Floyd, but the baaing and the fartin

Ilari Buckingham
Re: restraine = sideligh - Good little time machine. Time mover, slower, halter, stop

Carly Dowdy
Fwd: INFO - A mastadon near the inferiority complex, some somewhat incinerated

Kate Blount
Fwd: deal - The oil filter from a ski lodge is overwhelmingly South American. Further

jenhao
Sale vIaAGRa USD49, \/ALiUM $ 31, XAN@aX US70 - about gonad share a shower

Fred
deliver me he did so did eat. - Again O daughter be done unto Abraham I will spea

. . .And there were SO many more!!

Vanity

2006-12-08T00:46:00.000-05:00

Well, if I haven't discovered the most flattering website!

http://www.myheritage.com

Who the crap is Romy Schneider.

(fine, I'll google her.)

Okay, take 2:

http://www.myheritage.com

This time, I look like a dude.

And, take 3:

For this one, I thought it would be funny to put in a picture of an animal. No matches surfaced for a kitten or a gorilla.

I used this instead.

http://www.myheritage.com

Zoo Atlanta Zoo

2006-11-30T19:36:00.000-05:00

I may or may not be zoo-crazy.

The gorillas at Zoo Atlanta are very friendly and have, cumulatively, like, 7 babies. I could have watched them for hours . . .from the other side of glass, of course. The dirty glass. Give that gorilla some windex, they have opposable thumbs!

Cute kid and cute baby gorilla.

"G'day, ladies. Come on in, can I pour you a scotch?"

The Orangutan on the left is huge and dredlocked. They have the coolest habitat with at least 4 treehouses.

Seriously? They travel like this? This is the actual transport cage that Yang Yang the Giant Panda arrived in, via UPS(?) to live at the Atlanta Zoo.

This is either Lun Lun or Yang Yang. Again, I got a phone call while looking at a bear.

Anyway, Lun ^2 and Yang ^2 DID IT, and made this little guy(below), who will be named at a ceremony on December 15th. The new ^2 is about a month old and he stays inside a cave with the camera guy.

Thanksgiving 2006

2006-11-30T09:04:00.000-05:00

Just a glimpse at my family's thanksgiving dinner.

Okay, first of all, if you are reading this, and you are in my family, and you would like me to remove this video from my blog, please tell me.

Second-ly, the conversation that you are hearing is about using a digital camera to record film clips. Which is what I was doing!!

And, in conclusion, I will explain - she's trying to get the baby's attention.

i did this on my computer

2006-11-29T10:39:00.000-05:00

I'm in an airport

2006-11-28T20:04:00.000-05:00

This place (Atlanta Hartsfield International Airport) is teeming with children!

It's 8pm! The flight lands at 11pm. WAY past bedtime.

Anyway.

I already miss this guy:

Dude.

2006-11-27T18:24:00.000-05:00

So, my friend Jill sent me a chain email today.

It said something like this:

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

~anonymous~

So send this to all of your friends (and me) in the next 5 minutes and a miracle will happen tonight

Cheesy, yes, and like my digestive system, my brain/heart system can tolerate and appreciate cheese only on special occasions. So, cheekily, I sent it on to the members of my band, Stickerbook. Because a MIRACLE could happen. . .TONIGHT!!

Well, doubters, My mom had an appointment with her doctor today AND . . .
she is doing a lot better than all the doctors had expected. Her tumors have shrunk 40%! The doctors who gave her the diagnosis in August gave her a certain amount of time to live. The longest amount of time that they allotted her in August has now become the median amount of expected time to live~

So just call me chain-mail Sally, because all ya'lls gonna be miraclin' this holiday seazzin!

The Georgia Aquarium is King of the World

2006-11-26T23:53:00.000-05:00

The Georgia Aquarium is the largest aquarium in the WORLD and it is one year old as of November 21st, 2006.

Which roughly translates as, "Don't expect there not to be mobs of people there on November 20th when you go there with mom, dad, and uncle Bob."
Maybe in a few years, it'll lose it's mass appeal and when I go back I'll get to spend less time waiting for the crowd in front of each tank to clear and more time learning about aquatic life.
The place is AMAZING, though, and, it's inspiring to witness that mob-like enthusiasm in an aquarium . . .

Beluga Whales

There was one exhibit where you stood on this moving sidewalk and went through a kind-of tunnel under the sea.

Do you see anything in the above photo?

NOW do you see something? This is a really beautiful creature. It's called a Weeded SeaDragon and it's in the seahorse family. Blue Ribbon for coolest thing at the aquarium.

Second Coolest - Piranha's
(They forced me to say that.)
(I just got eaten by piranha's.)

The handlers (aquarium keepers?) poured a bucket of ice and mussels on the the ground and the otters picked the mussels up and turned on their backs to pry them apart. Then the otters dipped the mussels in a ramiken of garlic butter and discussed Sartre.

The things sticking up in the sand are a type of eel. Garden Eels, I think is what they are called.

My mom liked the penquins.

The Very Reverend Tobias Corduroy

2006-11-23T06:37:00.000-05:00

Why anyone would put a religious man such as The Very Reverend Tobias Corduroy behind bars is beyond my comprehension. But there he was, in a 2'x2' cell, bunking with a little scoundrel named Bubblegum. Once the religious leader of a large branch of the United Church of Canada, The Very Reverend now presides over the congregation here on Westover Dr. in Atlanta, GA -- A far cry from Winnepeg.

Zoo Bronx Zoo Part Two

2006-11-18T07:21:00.000-05:00

At LAST! My notes from the Bronx Zoo: verbatim as scribbled in my embroidered firefly journal:

(later observances and comments are in italics)

Jungle World

Matchie's Tree Kangaroo

-He's just sitting there as if he knows he's supposed to - or as if any second he's going to explode out of anger and hiss at you. I don't trust him.

Ebony Langur

- Some brown, some black

- families include one or two adult males, several females and offspring

-males born into the family leave before puberty to form bachelor groups or travel alone.

-one brown Langur has a black Langur baby. It's mother holds it very close and it might be nursing. The baby starts crying and the mommy starts to jump around (while still holding it) and swing from the branches. This quiets the baby. Take note, AG and NL.

-There are otters in this habitat, too. They're hiding in a tree trunk. One Langur starts to jump on a log to awaken the otters and get them out of the tree. Mission accomplished!

This was the first instance when I began to suspect that the animals here know that they're in a zoo. The Langur was clearly saying to the otter, "um . . .we have a visitor. please show yourself or you'll be fired. yes, just like the zebras."

Silver Leaf Monkey

-mothers often allow related females to babysit infants

-wow! they really swing from vines!

Malayan Tapir

-ugly and strange looking

-shy - only been observed in the wild by a very few people

White-Cheeked Gibbon

-Gibbons pair for life - up to 25 years

-they're swinging through the trees!

Striped Squirrels run rampant in here.

Leopards

- Black. Beautiful.

African Plains

There are peacocks everywhere. They sure have their reign of the place!

Baboon Reserve

-The baboons here are Geladas. They're different from other baboons in that they

* only eat grass

* use 25 different calls to communicate

* live on high altitude grasslands

-Body Language

* Direct eye contact - THREAT!

* Smile - to show fear or appeasement

* Flip Lid (a gesture that looks like they're going, "syke!") - worried/uncertain

* Yawn - to show off large teeth

* Groom each other - comfort, cleaning

* Female turns her back - act of submission

GIRAFFES!

- Sleep deeply for 20 minutes a night

- They can move/gallop at about 40 miles an hour.

- They have a 25 lb heart.

- Mating- Bull smells the urine of female to detect heat. He then taps his foreleg against her hind leg or rests his neck on her flank. If she stands still, he will mount and mate.

-Baby girl Giraffe born 10/30/06

This is the second instance where I began to suspect that the animals knew they were in a zoo. The mommy and daddy giraffes would nudge the shy baby in front of them as if to say, "Go on. This is your public. You're a show-raffe, now." The baby would stand in front of them, terrified, looking at me, as if she was going to be forced to tap-dance, and then she would circle around to stand behind them again. Stage parents are relentless!

Zebras

-Missing. No Zebras in the Zebra Habitat. My hunch is that they were fired. The weren't comitted to being zoo folk.

Congo Gorilla Forest

Gorillas

- Two huddle close with their backs against the glass.

-All of the gorillas are a family

Names from one gorilla section (town?):

Fubo, Pattycake, Tunko, Triska, Fran, Halima, Layla, Kumi, Suki, Kioja, Nyasha

-Tunko might be preggers - she's got a huge belly and she keeps throwing up into her hand and eating it.

Names from the other gorilla section:

Zuri, Julia, Holli, Tuti, Imani, Pierrepont, Sufi, Shana, Zola

Bears

Polar Bears - to survive, a polar bear, on average, must kill a seal every 5 days.

Tiger Mountain

The tigers names are Sasha, Norman, Zeff, Alexis, and Taurus.

There are diagrams on how to tell them apart.

- I can't tell them apart.

Himalayan Highlands

Snow Leopards

- Baby Twins - Girls. Born June 7th, 2006

- They are very cute and like to climb and have fun and chase leaves.

Red Pandas

- Not at all related to giant pandas

World of Darkness

(nocturnal animals)

Douroucouli - Nocturnal Monkey

Porcupines - Huge

Bats -Really hang upside down

Slow Loris - Wins the award for THE STRANGEST Animal here.

I'm in Atlanta, now. I may or may not do the calendar here. Haven't decided.

Thank you for reading.

Zoo Bronx Zoo

2006-11-17T21:11:00.000-05:00

Oh, Camera phone. You were broken for a long time but now you miraculously work again. I'm to tired to write about all my zoo learnings, so I'll save that for next time. I will write this:

This baby giraffe is a girl. She is 18 days old. I want one.
Natasha called me right after I took this polar bear photo. I was like, "I'm looking at a polar bear. . .I'm at the zoo." And she was all, "let's hope so!"

In the Mouse House

I could watch gorillas hang out forever. I would be a great gorilla supervisor.

Above are Red Pandas. Not related to Giant Pandas at all.

This Gorilla was in the mist. . .

. . . of napping! Girl Interrupted!

Flamingos are pink because of the pigment in the foods they eat: cotton candy, peeps, bubble gum, and shrimp.

Baby Snow Leopard

Monkeytown, USA.

Aquari-photos

2006-11-16T23:25:00.000-05:00

Walrus, I think.

Mesmerizing.

Cowfish

Oh, lonely winter.

Stars are fishes

Seas are horses

For Thursday, November 16th

2006-11-16T00:29:00.000-05:00

Don't be angry. I can't seem to motivate myself to go the Lower East Side Tenement Museum or the Bodies exhibit (shit, the "d" on my keyboard is being tricky.)

Instead, tomorrow, I really want to go to the Bronx Zoo.

OMG i am so excited about this. In my opinion, this is perfect zoo weather.

What is wrong with my computer. Why won't it stop underlining?

What is wrong with me that I'm more interested in animals right now than history or the biology of bodies in an exhitbit. . . or Art, for that matter. I could choose to go to MoMA. Nope, I'd rather learn about wild animals. That makes me, what, shallow? No. It makes me science-savvy and art is a science. Right? Come on guys, right?

Maybe I won't go. Maybe I'll spend another day in my apartment coming up with a Holiday Theremin set list.

Holy crap I'm weird.

Calendar for Wednesday, November 15th

2006-11-14T21:23:00.000-05:00

Well, no.

I didn't go to the Lower East Side Tenement Museum or BODIES: The Exhibit today.

Maybe tomorrow?

Today wasn't totally uneventful.

I recorded a new song for my MySpace Music profile. It's the #1 classical theremin standard in all the world even though it was written for a cello. It's called The Swan and it was written by Saint-Saëns (who's first name happens to be Camille.)

The recording is incomplete in that I like everything about it but the arpeggios. I recorded it at least 20 times and I have to say that in this particular take, I rocked all the non-arpeggio parts (except for one note) so hard that the arpeggios are inconsequential albeit forgivable. (Never mind how unprofessional that sounds, I pull my own weight around this blog!)

Calendar for Wednesday, November 15th

Lower East Side Tenement Museum

BODIES . . . the Exhibit

Take Two. Action!

Calendar for Tuesday, November 14, 2006

2006-11-13T22:06:00.000-05:00

What a day!

Things that I learned at the NY Aquarium

Walrus's - They are usually 10 to 12 feet long. They eat 85 lbs of food a day. Their call sounds like a foghorn. Their wiskers have muscles in them. Male Walrus's have inflatable air sacs in their necks so that when they fall asleep in the water, they will stay afloat.
The Sea Lion Show -The sea lions that performed in this show were named Otis and Osbourne. They breakdance and walk on their hands if they hear the song, "Walk this Way." A sea lion's kiss on the cheek feels exactly how you might imagine it to be - sloppy, suctiony, whiskery, with a potent odor of fish. Sea lions can bend their necks all the way back so that their head touches their back. Sea lions eat 25 lbs of fish a day. This show was a little bit propaganda-oriented. At one point the trainers asked Otis and Osbourne if we humans should eat shrimp and squid. Otis and Osbourne shook their heads, "no" and let out a roar. Then the trainers asked O and O if we humans should eat farm - raised talapia and catfish. Otis and Osbourne nodded their heads, "yes" and clapped. I guess we humans are taking shimp and squid from the sea lions and destroying the ecosystem or something.
California Sea Otters - ADORABLE. They never have to leave the water. They eat on their backs. To protect themselves from predators, they travel together in the water and form a huge otter raft. Otters can hold their breath for five minutes.
Seahorses - Male Seahorses do the childbearing. Don't buy seahorses as pets because feeding them requires expensive equipment and skill.
Lobsters - Can be right or left handed. The one at the NY Aquarium is about the size of a microwave. Lobsters, as well as shrimp and crab, see an image made up of many small dots. If a dot moves, the animal detects motion.
Jellyfish - The longest animal in the world is the Lion's Mane Jelly. It has tentacles up to 200 ft long.
Stingers Exhibit - Didn't learn much because I was more interested in the creepy audio crap that was going on. It was audio for the exhibit for sure, but boy was it surreal. There's underwater-y music but it's more on the side of experimental than ambiant. Over the music, a woman's echoey repeats a word that sounds like "nidaria." Then, a man's voice with slight reverb comes on and says a fact, but then repeats part of the fact as in, "all animals living in the water have to have their own system of protecting themselves because the competition's so great. competition's so great. competition's so great." The repeated phrases don't fade out. They just repeat. They just repeat. They just repeat.
Gift shop - awesome. I bought seahorse and whale socks for my parents and some candy - a NY Aquarium lollipop and some Haribo Clown Fish gummies. I wanted to buy huge stuffed animals of fish because it's hilarious to picture someone (myself, i guess, if i had bought this) cuddling up with a giant plush catfish.

Joanna Newsom was fascinating. She's other-worldly, in a way, but also part Renaissance Faire.
I wept when she sang "Sadie." I love that song -- my favorite lyrics of all time ever. I posted the lyrics to it back when I started writing here. Before the dawn of time. (in '04) She sang through her entire new album in its entirety with a band. At first I didn't know if I liked it, but I didn't know if I liked her first album until I began to obsess over it. There are a few songs that are very long and complicated with different themes at the beginning, middle and end, like a story. When the story starts to build, the theme is orchestral and drums and other instruments join in and take it further and then the story revisits the original theme and comes to a harp/vocal conclusion. Quite powerful. There was a hipster in front of me and a little to my left who, whenever the drums came in, would nod his head like he was listening to death metal or something. He drew a lot of attention.

Calendar for Tuesday, November 14th

Lower East Side Tenement Museum

BODIES . . . the Exhibit

Maybe a show at the Knitting Factory? Not sure yet how I'll feel.

Calendar for Monday, November 13th

2006-11-13T08:24:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was hella gloomy.

Is that an excuse for me to only do one of the events on my calendar? Yes.

Sometimes when one is sad and it is raining kitties and pooches, one would rather stay warm inside one's own apartment rather than going to see a robot talent talent show, a band that will definitely destroy their instruments (my sources tell me it was a guarantee! How can musicians that not everyone one in christendom has heard of afford to do that? If I destroyed my theremin, I would be in deep financial s---t. soot.), or take a 2 hour subway ride with NY's hip-hop adventurers.
Sometimes one would rather stay indoors and watch creepy movies like Witches of Eastwick and Ripley's Game. (??????!!!!!!!!)

I will say that I had a great time at Dance Dance Party Party. As per usual!

Today is a new day.

Today I will go to the NY Aquarium. I have a morning appointment with Ayveq and a lunch date with Willie.

After that, I am going to see Joanna Newsom. She has two shows in a row tonight. I've never been to a 5pm show before. Who knows what's in store! I'm prepared to rock out to some mad folk harp with schoolchildren and senior citizens.

Peace.

Calendar for Sunday, November 12th

2006-11-11T15:42:00.000-05:00

Okay, I've decided that the calendar events are all going to be tentative unless
a.) I have tickets for something
b.)I have planned to meet someone else at the event

Because sometimes unexpected things happen or the line is WAY too long for the Bodies Exhibit at the South Street Seaport (What was I thinking? It's Saturday.)

Today, I went to The Lower East Side Tenement Museum and South Street Seaport. Both were much too crowded for my liking. My liking prefers to view museums in private and is fully aware of the sheer impossibility of that idea.

One exhibit that was not crowded was The Fulton Street Fish Market Anniversary Art Show.
The fishmongers headed up to the bronx a year ago, but artist Naima Rauaum is keeping their spirit alive with an exhibit of oil paintings detailing Fulton's pungent heyday. Today, Rauaum and guide Jack Putnam offer tours, short films and readings relating to the departed market. - Time Out New York

I saw many photographs and paintings of these so-called fishmongers. And, indeed, Rauaum was there to greet me as I walked in the door while Jack Putnam was doing some of his readings - just like the blurb said! The photos were pretty much what you'd expect from a exhibit illustrating the heyday of the Fulton Street Fish Market - Fish. . . Fishmongers . .
My favorite detail of the exhibit was the lingering scent of the fish in the gallery, as if the slimy ghosts of fishmas past swam in from their watery heaven to haunt the anniversary of the Fulton Street Market.

Tonight at 8pm, I am going to Union Hall in Park Slope to hear some bands: Say Hi To Your Mom, Martin Carr, and The Jealous Girlfriends. I don't have tickets, so if you're reading this and have a better idea of what I should do tonight, please let me know.

For Sunday, November 12th, my day looks a little like this:

Noon to 3pm - ArtBots: The Robot Talent Show
A highlight of the 2006 Science + Art Festival, this free-form exhibit of artistic machinery includes Brett Doar's drawing automation Robozoic and The League of Electronic Musical Urban Robot's Ill-Tempered Clangier - Time Out New York

4pm to 5:30 pm: Dance Dance Party Party

6pm (tentative)- Beatboxer Entertainment presents:

The Hip Hop Subway Series

The hip hop subway series starts off at the back of the F train at
the 2nd Avenue station to the last stop at Jamaica 179. All vocalists
and percussionists are invited to take part in the hottest hip hop
jam session in NYC. Human beatboxers, MCs, B-Boys, singers, spoken
word artists, dancers, and more make up the hottest hip hop subway
party.

We hope you spread this email to all your friends. I hope to see all
my old friends and new ones join in. I am looking forward to some
good old fashion hip hop jam session with some of NYC's hottest hip
hop artists. No drums or kazoos or small portable amps. Pleased do
not bring drums; there are enough things on the subway you can use to
provide a beat.

Meet up on back of F train platform in 2nd Avenue station
Houston and 2nd Avenue, Manhattan
6p; $free
http://www.beatboxerent.net

8pm - The Blood Brothers, And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead, Celebration, Brothers and Sisters - Show at Irving Plaza. If anyone wants to go with me, make sure you get tickets before you go.

Limbo into Limboade

2006-11-11T09:48:00.000-05:00

I cannot let this limbo break me.

I woke up this morning and began to watch the documentary "Grey Gardens." It's about Jackie O's crazy aunt and cousin who live with 8 scrawny cats at a run-down and unkept Southampton estate and constantly lament the past, blaming each other for never getting aywhere. At least that's what was happening until I got up and went to Duane Reade for posterboard and markers.

The situation with my mom makes it very hard for me think about my long-term goals. My goals are finally clear. I have been thinking about going back to school. Because of my mom's fragile health, I can't start school any time soon. I need to go back and forth between NY and Altanta, so finding a temp job where I can work for 3 weeks at a time might be nearly impossible. If anyone has any ideas on the subject, I'd love to hear them.

Back to the posterboard and markers. On the plane to NY from Altanta last week, after I had spent a week with my parents, I decided that I need to start filling these limbo days with as many fulflling experiences as possible, both in Altanta and in NY. So, I'm making a calendar. I'm also devising some rules for myself, to avoid complacency-enabling predicaments.

The rules are:

NO TV.
NO Web-Surfing unless calendar related.
No knitting unless in transit.
Each evening before, or morning of, I will post the day's calendar on this blog. I will either report back with detailed accounts of my adventures or document the fact that I did follow the calendar for the day -- like a log.

I am currently making the calendar on posterboard that I will hang in my room. Using Time Out and other publications, along with emailed events lists, I will fill my days with music, art, fun, etc. . .

Experincing as much as possible will be my job during the holidays.

Please join me! If you are interested in coming along, just send me an email and let me know.

P.S. - I just switched to the Google Beta version of Blogger. This apparently unlocked a slue (sp?) of comments left as far back as September that I had not approved. All of those comments are now posted, and I am so appreciative of every one of your positive thoughts. I'm kinda pissed at blogger for not letting me know about these comments. I thought nobody gave a crap! Thank you all for giving a crap.

Nike Women's Marathon 2006

2006-11-10T18:08:00.000-05:00

I'm back

2006-11-08T21:10:00.000-05:00

Of late, three of my only readers informed me that I haven't been updating my blog. So, I'm going to make more of an effort. I have to put my energy into something now that I don't have a marathon to train for . . .

BTW, I RAN A MARATHON!!

I will post photos and stories as soon as I get the disk in the mail.

I finished in 5 hours, 10 minutes, and one second.

I didn't stop except to use the johnny-on-the-spot twice.

When I crossed the finish line, a handsome man in a tuxedo gave me a necklace from Tiffany's.

There are stories, but they will be better illustrated when posted beside the photos.

BTW, I MET THREE BABIES!

Babies are wonderful. If there's a baby in the room, that room is automatically filled with joy and love.

I'm exhausted.

MY BAD ASS RAPS

2006-10-28T15:39:00.000-04:00

A few months ago, I auditioned for a reality TV show about white rappers. I got a call back, but I decided not to do it. In my original audition, I modified a somewhat humorous song that I wrote for Stickerbook into a rap. That rap was about the power of cats.

I wrote this rap as a back-up.

I'm blanched in confusion over counterfeit remorse,

But I gotta keep a-swinging from the neck of this high horse.

I've let my body drop deep down in so many stories

And all of them are equal if sequentially we're scoring.

I'm a reporter, a martyr, an open-heart specialist.

I'm a goddess, a question, an opinion, gold medalist.

From where, from how, in what machine did you fly in?

If I told you a straight answer then you'd know that I'd be lying.

Cause I'm a clean slate when it comes to my roots

I'd give anything to know that "I showed up in boots"

Or in slippers or in flippers or in any shoes at all,

But these feet have been floating round since I was bitty small.

And they say that hope floats -

I ask, "In what type of water?"

I've swum lakes and tributaries

Not exactly in that order.

But this is viscosity - more like jelly, hope's suspended

Or it's stuck in an iceberg paleolithicly unattended.

And I want to thaw it out, and I want to dig in, grab it

But I'm forced to observe a familiar tired hope exhibit.

WORD

You know what? I like it. It's a start. It's kinda like all the poetry that I wrote in high school. If I hadn't torn it all to shreds, I could have used it as a starting point, learned from my mistakes, and kept moving forward towards better writing.

I'd like to be able to write songs. So, piecing together the shreds of journal paper I found in my pink plastic trash can, here is where I begin. In front of you, the ENTIRE world.

--
The comments expressed are the authors and do not represent the views of United Space Alliance or the National Aeronautics and Space Administration

Goodbye [Palace of Employment]

2006-10-06T08:40:00.000-04:00

Today is my last day at [where I have been working for the last year and a half].

Yesterday, I noticed that no one was saying much about it, although several people told me their secrets "just because I was leaving."

Today, I'm going to try my hardest to evoke some kind of emotional outburst from at LEAST one person here.

They're going to miss me. . . they just may not know it yet.

I'll always remember this place. . .because I have a scar on my forehead.

The Hamtown Mall

2006-09-19T15:42:00.000-04:00

The Hamtown Mall is officially open for business!

La La Lyrics

2006-09-18T09:50:00.000-04:00

Unfortunate Few

Oh you unfortunate few
Nobody's listening to me
It came at a time when I just started
To say something interesting

Bubbling thoughts I've been thinking a lot
But I don't write them down with a smile
More of a frown as I'm looking down
No pen in my pocket no pockets to fill

Far too long ago my chances were slim
I'm knocking the door but they won't let me in
Configuring why takes the whimsy from whim
You're all blocking the door won't you please let me in

Oh you unfortunate few
Stuck in your special space
I'm here on my own thought I'm not alone
It feels like a miserable place

At first you remember but then you forget
And once I'm forgotten you can't get me back
I'm knocking the door but nobody hears
I'm banging it down won't you answer it please

And nobody's asking for more
Nobody's asking for anything
Nobody wants me to say a thing
Nobody misses the missing

Ascend or descend
Upon a plot the same ending
My timing's no good
but it saves me from troubles ahead

But you might not be figured with eyes
Might not be figured with ears
Might not be something to figure at all
Until you are actually here

I've gone back on my words which constantly change
I believe what I mean at the time that I say them
I'm climbing a wall of infinite height
I couldn't go through, though try as I might

They're telling fictional distractions
Fictional stories
I have heard enough of these
Is anybody missing me?

-The Ditty Bops

"Spare Me My Life"

2006-09-07T18:04:00.000-04:00

Many thanks to Adira Amram for making this video and allowing Becky Yamamoto and I to wear matching hot pink unitards.

What is it, 1897?

2006-08-14T16:13:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

As some of you may have noticed, and some of you (especially if you do not know me at all) haven't even considered, this year I have been (as they say on a sinking olde-timey Mississippi River Boat that's been attacked by rabid Nutria) . . .

shit outta luck.

For realzies.

My misfortune began a little before 2006, so I'm not blaming the actual calendar year for this.

This stroke of ill fate began the day I began my permanent day job.

That's right. I'm going to blame it on the palace of employment. I knew all the free food, free gym, and Madonna tickets were too good to be true.

It may appear that I am being paid for my administrative services here, but in reality, it is I who am paying the price -- the price of pain in exchange for luxury.

It's your fault, steady income, for my kidney stone and the scar on my forehead among other things, and for this morning, when there was no hot water in my building, so I boiled two huge pots of water in order to clean myself in the shower. . . .

I may be emancipating myself in the very near future.

Sorrow.

2006-08-10T15:26:00.000-04:00

This is my mom. She's 68 years old and three weeks ago she was diagnosed with stage IV gastric cancer and it's spread to her liver, kidneys, and abdominal wall.
She's headstong, very brave and very determined. I, however, am weak and scared and sad. I'm finding it very hard to stay positive about this. It's not easy to fix my mind on an outcome that contradicts that of the doctors and the research.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the power of belief in numbers.
I'm sure I studied similar theories in philosophy classes in college, so I'm not claiming this as an original idea, I just can't remember the name of the school of thought that it belongs to.
In the days of yore, before the age of scientific discovery, religion and spirituality were more widely accepted because the idea of scientific proof was not yet defined.
These days, most people believe in ideas and concepts (like flight, for example) because, if they need to, they can research physics and aeronautics and such and really understand what is happening when they take off, cruise, and land safely in a 767.
Here's what makes sense to me: It takes a certain amount of people who believe in one thing (anything) to make that thing exist.
Enough people believe in flight. It makes sense. We can prove that it works scientifically.
On a smaller scale, we all believe that pudding exists. We've seen it, maybe we've eaten it. It's really not a wonder at all.
Before the Age of Reason, maybe there WERE miracles. No one was looking for proof. Enough people could join together and hope for something and, in effect, believe that thing into existence.
You know - like that stuff in the Bible. Like when Moses parted the Red Sea. The Israelites had been enslaved for years by the Egyptians. They didn't need to prove anything, they just decided that they were getting the f-outta that dark and evil place! There were no exceptions! It was escape or death! (And, they believed themselves to be special - God's chosen people. But, I'm trying to keep this thing secular. . .) So, all of them, together with Moses, had heard and believed that they would be delivered to a promised land, right? They knew they were gonna get there (through prophecy - which also didn't need to be proven). It was only a matter of how they would get there -- And it was a matter of urgency. The only path possible was through the Red Sea. So that's how they escaped! The all put their heads together and believed that the idea that Moses had (with help from God, if you'd like to go there) was a perfectly feasible one in every way, shape, and form. And the sea parted and they escaped from Egypt.
Maybe you can define God as: a common righteous thought held between as many people as define the common good.
Maybe.
Maybe pudding didn't exist back then because nobody thought of it and no one needed it urgently.
If I continue consider this theory, I may deduce that recent catastrophic world events may be caused, in essence, by a common fear among many.
Maybe you can define Evil as: a common fear held between as many people as define the common good.
This what terrorism is trying to achieve.
Terrorism is trying to turn God evil by showing the common good as many terrifying events as possible, therefore creating an outbreak of fear, which will eventually force us to create own destruction. The righteous thoughts that we had once held in common will drown in fear.
You guys!! We can't let this happen!!
This is what is meant when someone says, "stay positive!"
In this situation, with my mom, I find myself in fear. I have heard too many negative things about Cancer and I have read things on the internet that fuel my fear.
Its going to take a lot of effort to stay positive, but I know that is what I need to do. But will enough people join my righteous thought in order to define the common good and therefore cause a miracle? It's hard to believe in miracles! They are unbelievable!
In order to change the fate of my mother, it's going to take a lot of people believing in an outcome that cannot be scientifically proven.
It's gonna take God.
It's REALLY HARD to believe in God.
And this is what fills me with sorrow.
. . .according to my theory
. . .which can't be proven.

I am such a weirdo.

Olmsted County Fair

2006-08-08T14:38:00.000-04:00

Rochester, MN has a delightful county fair.

UTTER CRISIS!!!

Main Floor of the Alfred Building

2006-08-01T09:21:00.000-04:00

Main Floor of the Alfred Building
St. Mary's Hospital
Mayo Clinic
Rochester, MN

8:10am
This morning, my mother (the bravest lady I've ever known) wore bright
blue pants and a bright blue shirt, all of her makeup and jewelry, and
we drove her to St. Mary's Hospital to have a metal stent implanted in
her body. The stint will connect her esophagus and her small
intestine and will allow her to eat soft foods and drink liquids.
I'll explain the rest later. Please keep us in your thoughts.

[Palace of Employment] Fit Club

2006-07-27T14:38:00.000-04:00

So, my palace of employment has begun a weight loss contest. The rules are similar to that of "Celebrity Fit Club" in that there are two teams that compete to lose the most weight.

Weigh-in here at [Palace of Employment] was at noon today. When I got to work this morning, there were bags of sausage/ham/bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches available for all to enjoy next to a giant plate on Entemmanns Chocolate Covered Doughnuts.
The general buzz around the office was, "What have you done to increase your poundage for the weigh-in?"

Female Assistant: OH, I've had 3 breakfasts. I've been stuffing my face since last night. I've gained 7 lbs. It'll be gone by tomorrow.
Other Female Assistant: I wonder how your going to do that.

IT Guy: I've been eating cookie dough since 7am. Gained 10 pounds.
Head IT Guy: DUDE! You idiot! You're gonna be fat tomorrow. I've gained the same amount by drinking water and eating cucumbers.

The draft was scheduled for Noon.

The two team captains went around to everyone in the draft asking them individually a.) how much weight they wanted to lose b.)how much weight they could guarantee that they could lose and c.) the least amount of weight that they expected to lose.

Since the team captains are financial analysts, it is most likely that they put all of this data on a spreadsheet and calculated draft picks accordingly.

I was not in the draft. I chose to be picked out of a hat. Because I'm a wild card.
Or, at least, I like to think of myself as a wild card. Sure, I'm training for a marathon, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to lose weight.
WILD CARD.

Anyway. The draft went very well. My team is called "Team Shrinkage."

The IT dudes generated outlook distribution lists for each team and the email hilarity hasn't stopped.

Apparently, our theme song is "I believe I can shrink" by R. Kelly.

All hell broke loose when I was told to make a daily sign-up sheet for cardio equipment in the company gym and then email everyone about it. It was clearly a move to make me the skapegoat for someone else's "fair" idea. Since I sent the email outlining the rules of the sign-up sheet, I have been getting nasty looks and hateful emails. Thanks a lot, [Shmacey].

Yeah, the palace has a gym.

Rock and Roll, Kid[ney]s

2006-07-24T13:42:00.000-04:00

When I went to the Emergency Room on June 13th, my kid[ney]s HAD. A. BLAST.

They had been begging me ever since that fateful Tuesday to go back to the ER.

So, last Wednesday, around 8:30pm, the kid[ney]s just wouldn't shut up about wanting to go back and visit "auntie ER!"

So, being their caretaker, I found a bit of time in my busy schedule (I had to cancel a theremin gig, but hey, I love those little buggers)and I took my kid[ney]s to Beth Israel's Emergency Room (with some help from my kind roommate, who did all the talking to the cab driver and the hospital people, until I regained my speaking abilities - I was beyond words.)

Yeah, what can I say. I spoil 'em.

We had a most interesting adventure!

My roommate stayed in the waiting room. She really wanted "in" on the fun, but, y'know, I didn't want to ruin the bonding experience that I knew was taking place between me and the kid[ney]s. This was our time.

It was so funny how much the kid[ney]s were thirsting for attention! They are usually so quiet, but now I know that they will not hesitate to alert me when they need something. In this case, one of them (I'm going to call her RightSide) got my attention by continuously stabbing me in the right flank and abdomin!! So mischievious!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

There were nurses there in the Emergency Room. They were very hospitable (get it?) and they were like, "Sit down! Have some water!! The doctor will be right with you!!" And then the lady nurse with the Eastern European accent moved the dirty laundry out of the corner of the room, sat us down in a chair, and then pulled a curtain out that separated me from the guy the next chair over.

"Let the fun begin!" said I to the kid[ney]s.

RightSide answered me back with a stab-stab-stabby!! (cute!)

We observed the sights and sounds around us. The guy in the chair to our left talked to a nurse. He'd been in the ER for pain a lot lately and I think maybe she maybe suspected that he was a little blaspheme. They gave him an IV. He has sicle cell anemia and feels pain a lot in his legs. He asked for apple juice every 5 minutes. Every nurse put in at least one request for apple juice. Then, separately, they each brought him a glass of the stuff. He also had a Burger King Meal in his lap. The nurse moved him when he pulled back the curtain and said to me, "Are you okay? If you need to talk about anything, I'm right here."

Goodbye, pain guy.

Enter a girl about my age who seemed to be in pain. She was quiet and was later joined by her mother and her boyfriend. Very quiet. Me and the kid[ney]s were all, "what's up with that one?"

Then the doctor came over!! He wanted to visit us and give us advices. His name was Liron. Whatever that means.
He said that we weren't infected and that one of the kid[ney]s might be STONED!!

WHAT!! Well, you'd better bet I berated them harshly and grounded them immediately. No kid[ney] of mine is gonna be a stoned kid[ney]!! I simply won't have it!

WHAT OH WHAT HAVE I DONE THAT WOULD CAUSE THIS??!!!

Liron the doctor told me it was probably because I was training for a marathon out in the high temperatures, and probably, when I run a lot, I don't neccesarily drink enough water. He also says that I am going to get a CT scan to see how stoned the kid[ney]s are.

So it's my fault after all.

I feel terrible.

I can't believe my kid[ney]s got stoned behind my back and made me take them to the Emergency Room.

The nice nurse with the dreds and the smile gave us an IV. That was really disconcerting. We hate needles and things hooked up to our veins. The IV made us really, really, really cold. I asked repeatedly for a blanket, but I guess all the helpful people at the ER look down upon stoned-ness, so they kept forgetting to bring me a blanket.

While we waited, goose-bumped and with stoned kid[ney]s, other people came to the ER to hang out and get attention. One young white guy with dreds sat in a wheelchair and read quietly with bruises all over his face and legs. Shheeeesh.

Another doctor, named Kimberly, decided to hang out with us for a while and tell us the same thing that Liron the doctor told us, then she left.

At around midnight, a nice lady nurse with a pink nurse-suit on told us it was time for our CT scan. Hooorrayy!! We got to put on a hospital smock! The kid[ney]s were feeling much better because of that IV dripper.

When it was time, we went into the scan room with the nice guy who pushes the buttons and we lay down on the table in front of the CT scanner thing. THIS was for sure something that I had never experienced before with the kid[ney]s.

The nice scanner guy told me to put my arms above my head. He covered me with a sheet and then pushed the button that elevated the table and moved it towards the large hole where there was a whirling sound. We went through the scanner, the kid[ney]s and me, and then again, and again, and twice on the way out of the scan, a computerized voice said, "take a deep breath and hold it," and then "you may breathe normally" or something like that. FUN!!!

After the scan, we were put back in a chair to wait for the results. We were finally given a warm blanket and we napped for 2 hours (off and on) until 2:30am when the doctor named Liron told us that RightSide was the stoned kid[ney] but she was only 2mm stoned and it would pass in the next few days. Scary!!

Then, they let us go home.

YAYYY!!!

I was told to keep my kid[ney]s unstoned, that I will have to drink 3 quarts of water for the rest of my life.

HOORRAAYY!!!

The end.

Fourth

2006-07-06T17:32:00.000-04:00

I found it.

I found the beach.

It happened on the Fourth of July at approximately 2:15pm, EST.

I'm still in that myth I think.

2006-06-27T17:01:00.000-04:00

This morning, I checked my [fruit] before making my way in to work and I got this e-mail:

Greetings Ho Bags:

I'm going to cut to the chase..........

[Boss Lady] and [Boss Man] have ever so graciously given me hosting rights to a suite at the Garden this Thursday night for one of Madonna's concerts.

I came up with the idea that it would be fun for the ever growing group of '[Name of Company] Girls' to get together and bond a little. Given that I look through the email list and say "Who the hell is that?" leads me to believe we can use as many "get-to-know-you" opportunities as we can get.

Anyway, if you're free Thursday night and have any interest here's the low-down:

Thurs, June 29th
8pm
Madonna
Madison Square Garden
Suite [Number and Letter]
Free food and booze....I mean ladies what more can you ask for.
Please RSVP 'yes' OR 'no' by 12pm Wednesday.
Holla back yo....

[Executive/Personal Assistant of Boss Lady]

P.S. Please note this does not mean I actually like any of you or want to spend time together. I have like only two girlfriends outside of work and am just desperate to fill the room.

Readers, I'm not trying to brag about my day job. I am trying to convince you all that at this moment, I am probably dreaming or in, as Frannie puts it, "some kind of myth."

PIRIOTS 6-26-06

Michelle Dombrowski (sp?)
I got out of a minivan cab at 15th and 9th. She got into that very same cab.

Dr. Wimpy
2nd Avenue F Station, at the turnstyle

Color me pampered.

2006-06-26T12:15:00.000-04:00

For Administrative Assistant's Day, my fancy-schmancy day job gave all the ladies a half-day at Cornelia Day Spa.

I need not expound on the matter of my palace of employment and it's frivolities at this time, but please note that I am well aware that this place is ridiculous.

The Half-Day Package includes:
Signature Facial
Signature Massage
Manicure
Pedicure
Eye Treatment
Complimentary Lunch with Champagne

NO I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A SPA!
Are you kidding!?

Here are the juicy deets:

I checked in at about 12 noon on Sunday, June 25th, 2006.
The spa is on 5th Avenue, and 5th Avenue was rife with The Gays as it was the day that The Gays feel Proud. Poor Gays. It was really raining hard yesterday.

Anywho, after I checked in on the 8th floor, I was shown to the Ladies Room, where an attendant with a computer station and a smile asked me what size slipper I wear and handed me slippers and a plush white robe. She then lead me to a beautiful locker room and gave me a locker for my things and then slipped a piece of paper in the name-tag place that said, "Ms. Jen Hammaker." I changed and left the Ladies Room.

There was a very softspoken lady waiting outside the Ladies Room for me. She took me to the Relaxation Library to wait for my first treatment.

Maybe if you were a billionaire, you could call the Relaxation Library a waiting room.
Things the Relaxation Library has that waiting rooms don't have:
A very plush interior, painted in a dark brown-grey, with dark carpeting and candles on the walls
Comfy brown wicker chairs will coffee-colored cushions and matching ottomans.
A small table and lamp beside each chair
Literature in the form of coffee table books about New York or about Beauty, some with notes from the author, such as, "For Cornelia Spa - The best Facial in New York City! Love, [whoever]"
A juice, tea, and fruit bar
Optional microveable neck pillows.
A soft-spoken attendant who will gladly serve you anything from the bar that you would like.
Soothing Spa music.

After picking a bottle of signature Cornelia Spring Water out of the mini-fridge and pouring a glass, a soft-spoken girl with a European accent informed me that it was time for my massage. I left the bottle and the glass on the table.

She led me to a private candle-lit massage room.
This was my favorite part.
I'm training for a marathon and I had helped Mat move the day before, so my body felt like I had been trampled over by a horse.
About and hour and a half later, the Masseause led me back to the Relaxation Library.

There, I began to look at this book until a soft-spoken, white-haired lady with a European accent introduced herself to me as my provider and that it was time for my facial.

She led me to a well-lit private room with the word "Lilac" on the door. There was another lady inside and they both left the room while I changed into towel - like little number that snapped at the top.

Now, this was embarrassing. I was nervous. I saw a huge machine next to the table and It reminded me of the dentist's office.

I put the towel - thing on wrong. I put it around my neck. And so I exposed my underwear.

The lady calmly told me how to wear it when she came back into the room. She was nothing but polite about it. I was nothing but humiliated.

She told me to lay down on the facial table/bed thing and put my feet in the water. There was a small tub at the bottom of the table and it was filled with warm water for foot soaking. What this had to do with a facial, I am still not sure . . .
Her accent was thick, but I understood that there would be several things happening to my face.
Steam, Extraction, Peel, and Collagen Mask.
When asked how often I go though facial treatment, I replied, "This is my first time."
To which, the lady responded, "EYE-Ya-YAI!"
She tried to get me to pay $90 for some excess eye treatment and I said, "EYE don't think so."

Before the steam, she assesed my skin. Apparently, I have sensitive skin. Then on went some fresh-smelling ointment. Then, the Steam. The steam was weird. She covered my scar for that. It was hard to breathe. After the steam was another ointment application.
Then came the extraction.
That meant that she was cleaning my pores and getting rid of blackheads.
This hurt like the dentist hurts.

The whole time this is going on, the other lady is massaging my arms, btw. To distract me.

She told me something gross about the pores on the side of my nose that I dare not repeat.

After the pain, there was astringent, then ointment, then a papery mask. Over the papery mask went something cool and that all stayed on for as long as it took for the other lady to get my feet out of the soak and massage them and my legs. Then, there was another lotion, then it was over.

My face felt good. She told me I looked beautiful. She had taken some dead skin off of my cheeks and cleaned my pores and tortured me. And during the whole process, we heard only two songs on repeat, Another Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd and The Who's Teenage Wasteland.

"You like the music?"

Yeah, once.

Okay, so it was back to the Relaxation Library to wait for the next event.
The next event was lunch.

Lunch was in a glassed-in restaurant on the roof.
There was an older couple in the restaurant, in white robes, discussing things that they usually discuss (I suppose) and not eating the bread that was on the table.
There were only tables for four available. Was I supposed to bring a friend?

Do friends all go to the spa and eat lunch together, dressed in white bathrobes?
Was I supposed to go with co-workers? That would have really been a team building experience, seeing everyone in bathrobes, faces oily and shining, in various states of post-massage half-nap all around a white table on a glassed-in rooftop restaurant at 3pm on a rainy Sunday, sipping cucumber soup and listening to the sounds of The Gays Parading down Fifth Ave. Let's Get Loud, Let's get Loud . . .!!

For lunch I had the cold cucumber soup and a delicate smoked salmon wrap.

I was almost comatose.

Back to the Relaxation Library, which, by now was quite crowded. The couple from the restaurant was there, asleep in ajacent chairs with their books open and their reading glasses sliding down their faces. His mouth was open, but no sound was coming out.
There was a mother there with her two daughters. On the window seat was very attractive couple, reading the same book. Various single women read magazines or checked Blackberries. Everybody ignored each other.

Then Olga arrived. She took me to get my manicure and pedicure. I let her pick out my colors. She did a bettter job than I would have done - sheer fingers, coral toes. I got to keep the nail polish.
Except I didn't becuase I left it in my robe.
Olga is Russian and she LOVES Broadway. She never got a chance to see Riverdance and that was upsetting to her and her friends out in Queens. I told her that I was pretty sure it was playing in Vegas. That was good news. She LOVES Vegas.

Then it was time to shower and leave.

I was beat. Exhausted. Ready to sleep all afternoon. Still sore, but relaxed.

The shower was one of those fancy ones where the water comes out of the ceiling like a waterfall. Plush clean towels were kept on a warmer.

They should have little nap rooms at the spa.

If they did, I would still be asleep right now.

During the entire Cornelia experience, two thoughts battled each other in my brain:

I deserve this.

and

I will never ever get to do this again.

Which made it an incredibly fulfilling experience.

Thank you Fancy Job.

It has been worth all the torment and emotional upheaval that you have put me through.

Heavy Medal

2006-06-16T10:02:00.000-04:00

PIRIOTS 6.16.06

Blair Smith - Avenue A - we walked to the F train together. Rock and ROLL!

So this is what Botox feels like.

2006-06-15T10:14:00.000-04:00

So you might notice in some of these photos that I have no expression in my face, specifically the part of my face that is above the eyebrows. That's because it hurts when I move it. And, I probably shouldn't move it because that might crap up the healing process.

Last night, at Becky Yamamoto's Flag Day Celebration, I saw Michelle C. and did what I thought was smile at her.

Later she approached me and said, "We know each other, right?"

"Yeah!," I replied, perplexed.

"Well, I waved at you when you walked in and you didn't respond!"

"Yes Huh, I did!! " (pause) "OMG!! I got stitches in my forehead yesterday. I can't move it, so I bet my 'I recognize you' face involves my eyebrows and forehead."

"OH! Oh, wow. Yeah, I thought you were a total bitch!"

Seriously, though, look at these pictures. I really do use my forehead and eyebrows a lot. I look mildly retarded and kinda spaced out when I don't. Check it:

This is me and the ASSHOLE that did this to me:

Here it is, up close. No, it doesn't look very big. But it feels big. And very important.

Battlewound Galactica

2006-06-14T13:53:00.000-04:00

(Sound of knocking on wood)

I was a remarkably injury-free child.

At Disney World when I was Eight, I vividly remember feeling thirsty in a darkly-lit (and decorated) high rise hotel that smelled like chlorine. One of my parents poured a delicious Sprite into a long hotel-room glass. I took the glass, a sip, and then the glass fell and broke on the floor. A shard must have brushed over my left foot and landed elsewhere, for there was now a laceration about a centimeter long on my left big toe. It didn't bleed or hurt very much, and we put a band-aid on my toe and that was that.

The scar is still there. I have always found a fascination in watching the precise migration of this scar from the big left toe to about three inches in towards the ankle, as my foot has grown. Actually, the scar probably hasn't moved. The skin has probably stretched.

While they generally sheltered me obsessively from harm, watched me at all times, and made me eat asparagus and eggplant casserole, there were certain things my parents just didn't think about doing. I never drank milk from a carton. My mother mixed evaporated dry milk into some water and that's what I put on my cereal. Orange Juice? Nope. Bread? Sort-of. Thinly-sliced Pepperidge Farm Whole Wheat full of all sorts of fiber surprises was always on either side of my bologna and mayo. (Okay - the bread was healthy, I just got carried away with how weird my parents are.) They hardly ever let me stay home from school when I was sick unless I was throwing up, and they never thought taking me to the Emergency Room.

Scar #2 is on my right knee. I skinned my knee when I was 12 at a youth group car wash fundraiser at church. They didn't take me to the ER either. That wound scarred.

Scar #3 is about 8 inches long. It runs from the under left side of my left arm below the elbow down towards the wrist. I was 25 when this happened. My white shepherd/lab mix objected to being bathed and fought me with his fierce puppy-dog claws as I forced him into the bath. Since it didn't hurt and didn't bleed like crazy and since I'd never been to the ER before, I didn't even think about going.

Yesterday evening, I stayed at work 15 minutes late to help set up a dinner meeting. The thick glass front door of my office automatically locks at 6pm. As I was leaving, I pushed the red button to temporarily unlock the door and I grabbed the handle to open the door towards me. I'm still confused about what happened next. Stephanie, the receptionist, says that she saw the door kinda stick, then it opened, THEN it hit me in the face and busted open my forehead. I'll take her word for it.

Stephanie rushed to me and said, "Come with me! That's going to bleed! I know what I'm talking about, I used to work in a doctor's office!!"

I really didn't know what she was talking about because I was laughing about how funny it was that I hit my head on the door. Then I put my hand on my forehead and that's when I felt an opening, and when I pulled my hand away, it was covered in blood.

Stephanie rushed me to the ladies room (avoiding the fancy executives in the dinner meeting) and we looked at the wound. It was deep. After several people gave us 2nd opinions, we decided that I should go . . .

TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM!!!!

YAY!!!

Maura packed me a bag full of snacks. Stephanie accompanied me to Lenox Hill Hospital and hung out until Mat arrived. The boss's driver Charles got us safely there in the brand new Escalade.

And after 3 hours and a delightful conversation with my new pall Ms. Henderson (while she ate Little Debbie Devil Dogs and some of my snacks) in the waiting room about her adventures living on the Staten Island Ferry and her knowledge of medical procedures, Science Fiction, and Jesus . . .

I got my first stitches!!

I got 6 of em!!

If anyone is wondering what happened to Peter Faulk (aka Columbo), he's working as the on-call plastic surgeon at Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC.

Mat wins an award for watching Peter Faulk stitch me up.

When I got to work this morning, this was on my desk from the CEO:

In case you can't read it, it says, "Safety first! Keep your head up kid, Larry."

Just Call Me Dr. Watson

2006-06-13T11:53:00.000-04:00

After looking over some past Blog entries, I have made a most alarming yet conclusive realization:

After my camera broke, I did less blog documentation of my incredibly adventurous life!

Some of you may have thought that I had changed, that I had become a tv-watching Stay-at-Home! Although this occurs in the winter months, as soon as the temperature starts to rise, I gotta get my ass outside.

I have done so many fantastic and exciting things since my camera broke. Maybe I'll catch you all up in an retrospective essay at some point. And maybe I'll illustrate that retrospective essay with drawings or collages or music. It has been a vivid period of time, this time sans camera!!

Well, the camera draught is OVER. Let it rain pixels!

This time, I'm going to buy one with a brand name that I've heard of and a warranty of over a year.

Bless you all,
Hammy

Circle of Friends 10K results

2006-06-13T10:26:00.000-04:00

Distance: 6.2 Miles, 10.0 Kilometers
Date/Time: June 10, 2006, 9:00 am
Sponsor: Circle of Friends
Location: Central Park,
NYC Weather: 59 deg., 62% hum., wind NW 25 mph.

Last Name Hammaker
First Name Jen
Sex/Age F29
Bib 4519
Team LEUK
Overall Place 2056
Age Place 789
Net Time 1:00:28
Pace/Mile 9:45

(9:45 is a LOT faster than I usually run!)

PIROITS 6-11-06:
Sara Schaefer getting on theE train at W.4th

PIRIOTS 6-12-06:
Becky Poole and Evan - Outside the Sunshine Picture Show Palace

PIRIOTS 6-13-06:
Kirk D'Amato (or however it's spelled) getting on the V train at 2nd Ave. He was too far in front of me for me to say anything. It's obvious he lives in my neighborhood, too, so unless I see him elsewhere, again, he's on the list with Rose Foley.

iGOT

2006-06-12T10:39:00.000-04:00

I woke up at 6am on Saturday morning to run my very first road race. It was the Circle of Friends mini 10k. It was sponsored by the Legacy Foundation and they're all about NO SMOKING. It was an all women's race and at the end we got medals, a rose, bagels, plums, and water, and then Shannon Glennis and I got pancakes.

And then we bought Luckys and SMOKED ALL DAY.

I MEAN - we got lucky because we smoked out the race competition. That is exactly what I meant.

After the pancakes, I met Brigid who looked at my apartment and I got a new roommate!

Then I got an assignment

FROM: J.G.
RELATION: CO-WORKER

BEG DATE: 6.10.06
BEG TIME: 1500 HRS
LOCATION: UWS NYC
SUBJECT: CANINE
PEDIGREE: BEAGLE
SURNAME: MURPHY
TITLE: ESQIRE
ASSIGNMENT: SECURITY, HOME CARE, PARK FUN
END DATE 6.11.06
END TIME: TBD

ASSIGNMENT COMPLETED: Y
COMMENTS:
Murphy is an adorable two year -old beagle.
I do not want a dog.
Dogs require too much attention.
We met so many friends at the BULL MOOSE dog run outside the Museum of Natural History, and Murphy can run for longer than an hour without tiring!
Sometimes junkies decide to nap in dog parks and it is hard to persuade a chipper pup that junkies are down for a pat on the head, even though the junkie might have a singluar and remarkable scent.
Some dogs are skilled at trying to wake you up in the morning by actually pulling the covers back and nudging you out of bed.

Later that evening, I went to a rooftop birthday BBQ and I got cake, sausage and too many chips.

Things I got today: a workout, a medal, a rose, plums, pancakes, a roommate, a dog-sitting assignment, hormone crazies, chips, sausage, and birthday cake.

Thanks for all the stuff, World!!

What is it, Christmas?!

PIRIOTS 6-11-06:

Erin Rose Foley: Okay, this is my final listing for her unless I see her outside of my hood. She is obviously stalking me.
Nick (Mat's friend from Evansville who went to grad school at NYU ) Saw him outside the healthly ice-cream place. He's one of those gentleman types who kisses a lady's hand for greeting purposes.
Zach Woods: He didn't see me, because I was in a cab and he was in a pizza restaurant.

"She's got it all together!!"

2006-06-09T10:00:00.000-04:00

I know you all must look at me (unless you don't live in NY) and think to yourself, "Boy, that Jen Hammaker has really got it all together!!!"

Well, ladies and gentlemen. Here is the truth:

I'm a mess.

Today, in particular, I need a hug.

And I know I deserve one, too.

Thank you for your time.

PIRIOTS 6/8/06:

Kirk D'Amato (again with the sp?) and Dyna Moe, eating fries at Sidewalk Cafe.

All Up In My Instrument

2006-06-04T02:00:00.000-04:00

Valley speller reaches Round 6
Tia Natasha-Elizabeth Thomas, 11, makes the final 29 of spelling bee.
By Michael Doyle / Bee Washington Bureau

(Updated Friday, June 2, 2006, 6:43 AM)

WASHINGTON — Tia Natasha-Elizabeth Thomas spelled. Paul Loeffler opined.

Together, the two San Joaquin Valley natives helped make this year's National Spelling Bee unique.

Now buffed and polished to a fine commercial sheen, the 79th annual Scripps National Spelling Bee is a different creature than when Loeffler competed in 1990 as Merced County's representative. Then, there were 224 competitors. Hollywood and Broadway hadn't yet come calling.

This year, a record 274 contestants appeared in an event that was more stage-managed than ever before.

Tia, a home-schooled 11-year-old who lives in Oakhurst, showed her smarts and studious preparation by reaching the sixth round. That earned her $400, plus a $100 U.S. savings bond and the knowledge that she had surpassed her goal of making it through the third round.

"I think I did really good," Tia said.

Her mother, Pamela, agreed; Tia was one of only 29 spellers to make it to the sixth round.

Still, Pamela Thomas added that it was "disappointing" that Tia stumbled Thursday afternoon on a word — theremin — that she had previously encountered. The word, which is the name of an oddball electronic musical instrument most often associated with cheesy science-fiction movies, is found in a consolidated word list provided to competitors.

"With 25,000 words," Thomas allowed, "you can't memorize them all."

. . .

There's more to this article, but it's not as important as what you've already read.

PIRIOTS 6/2/06:

Erin Rose Foley - ERF might be the new Barry. I've run into her a lot in my 'hood, but I think we can owe it to the fact that she lives a block away from my ass.

Dude with a Moog shirt on the F train - After I ran into Erin, we took the same train (F) uptown. I got on the train to find a dude with a Moog shirt and I started a conversation. His name was Bruce and he too plays the theremin. He knows all the peeps from the New York Theremin Society and Issue Project Room. Erin tried to leave the train and xfer to the express, but she had to climb right back aboard and listen to theremin talk when she didn't get on the B/D.

Ainsley Hines - Friend from Camp Merrie-Woode.

This kid who was in my carpool in elementary school - Don't know his name. Red Hair.

PIRIOTS 6/4/06:

Nate Shelkey - Okay, last time I ran into Nate, he was with his band, so I listed the band name instead of listing them individually. That's just the way I roll. This time, I ran into him but sans the rest of Huckleberry Slim. So he get's a INDIVIDUAL HOLLER!

PIRIOTS Explanation

2006-05-31T09:51:00.000-04:00

Someone asked me "What the @&$% is PIRIOTS."

I guess some of you haven't been traveling with me from blog to blog, so I'll turn the light on about this sit-ch.

PIRIOTS is an acronymn for

People
I
Run
Into
On
The
Street

This city freaks me out because I run into people all the time. People from high school, people from summer camp, people who I remember from 3 years ago that I met at a bar, people I worked with for one day, and celebrities.

I used to really go into detail about these encounters. That's just too much work. From now on, I'm just going to list the names of the people I run into without specifics as to what happened when I saw them.

So here's some since last time I wrote about it:

Jawnee Conroy
This girl that was in Amanda's carpool/shuttle in Jr. High - Elizabeth something?
Robert Sean Leonard
Matt Moses
Nicole Shalhoub and Katie
Katie
Zohar
Nate Gerloff
Kathleen and Eli
Kathleen
Eli
Huckleberry Slim
Rob Huebel
Kirk D'Amato (SP? I always spell his name wrong.)
Erin Rose Foley
Kate Irvin
Sara Schaefer
Cabe (Caib?)
Maggie Gyllenhall

Jeez, there were so many more.

I didn't speak to some of these people. So if you googled yourself, and you found this, you're right. I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I'm running a marathon

2006-05-25T15:00:00.000-04:00

Here's what my fundraising email says:

Hi Friends,

On October 22, I will be running the Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco. It has always been a goal of mine to run a marathon, but didn't have any great reason. Then, the girls from my running group (The Welcome Back Trotters) joined The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society as participants in their Team In Training program. Each marathon participant will be raising money and I'm asking you to help by making a contribution. I realize that the race seems far away. As I am already training for the 26.2 miles, I am also trying to train myself to ask good friends, co-workers, and family to donate their hard-earned money to this cause to reach my goal of $3900. Both numbers seem distant and overwhelming at this stage of the game!

Each donation helps accelerate cures for leukemia,
lymphoma and myeloma and brings hope to the patients and families who are on the front lines of the battle against these diseases.

Please use the link in this email to donate online quickly and securely. You will receive a confirmation by email of your donation and I will be notifies as soon as you make your donation.

If you do not feel comfortable donating money online, please let me know , give me your address, and I will send you a donation form to you in the mail.

On behalf of The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, thank you very much for your support. I really appreciate your generosity.

You can learn more about my effors and make a donation by visiting my Web site:

http://www.active.com/donate/tntnyc/Hammy

Best wishes to all of you in achieving your goals as well.

Love,
Jen Hammaker

P.S. Please forward this email to as many people as you can to encourage them to donate as well!

TOO many PIRIOTS

2006-05-25T14:58:00.000-04:00

okay, what's up Hammy?

Where are my PIRIOTS at?

There are just so many, people.

To many to write all that stuff about, but I still want to keep the records, so from here on out, I'm just gonna do this -

PIRIOTS: [name of person]

Survey Says:

2006-03-06T16:35:00.000-05:00

You Are 8% Abnormal

You are at low risk for being a psychopath. It is unlikely that you have no soul.

You are at low risk for having a borderline personality. It is unlikely that you are a chaotic mess.

You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection.

You are at low risk for having a social phobia. It is unlikely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.

You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

I am addicted to hand sanitizer.

You Are Not Scary

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

How Scary Are You?

This is great news.

Money Shrimp

2006-02-24T12:22:00.000-05:00

Today, my boss wanted shrimp on his salad, so his assistant ordered 12 Tiger shrimp from Smith & Wollensky's to the tune of $103.

Wednesday night, my friend had her birthday dinner at Hooters. A plate of (delicious, btw)Buffalo shrimp goes for about $8.50.

The boss ended using 6 shrimp for his salad.

I was given one of the remaining shrimp.

It was a huge and delicious shrimp valued at $8.50.

But was it equal in value to a plate of Buffalo shrimp at the Manhattan Hooters at a birthday party for a hilarious girl?

Enn--Oooh.

Value, people.

VALUE.

Omri

2006-02-07T20:36:00.000-05:00

I took a cab to the gig that we had November 16th. As soon as I got into the cab and closed the door, the cabbie turned his radio back on. He had been listening to a symphony at the highest volume possible. I sank down into my seat and relaxed. It was glorious. What a spectacular cab ride.
The cabbie turned around to me at the next stoplight and said, "is that too loud?"
It was intense and dramatic, it wasn't too loud. "Not at all. I really like it."
He turned it down a bit and said, "It's a radio show where people call in and request the music that they would take with them if they were stuck on a desert island. This guy would take Mahler. What do you think about that?"
"It's a beautiful symphony."
"I'm asking because, well, I'll tell you what I think. I think most people would choose to take their favorite music with them on a desert island. They would take the most beautiful music."
"Yeah. Probably," I agreed.
He said, "If I were to choose what music to take with me if I were to be isolated somewhere, I would leave my favorite music behind. I would want to miss my favorite music and it would inspire me to get back to it. It would give me something to dream about, to strive for. I would have to get back to my music."

I'll miss you Omri. And it gives me something to dream about, to strive for, to get back to.

PIRIOTS 1-31-06

2006-02-01T17:42:00.000-05:00

RANDOM ENCOUNTERS: 1.31.06

1.)Paddle Henson

Collision Time/Location: Around 8:10pm. NYU Black Box Theatre. The row in front of me.

And I know her from: She went to SMU, but graduated last year, so I didn't know her until we did a show together last September.

Did I speak to her: Yep.

My general feeling about this encounter: Paddle rocks. Mat and I went because we know people in the play. We concluded that maybe Paddle heard about this play about lesbians because she's a lesbian and lesbians network like that. (I.E.: Of course Paddle was at the lesbian play. She's a lesbian!) Mat and I are shallow and ignorant. It was a good play. Afterwards, Mat turned to me and said, "I liked that so much better than "Brokeback Mountain." Mat and I are shallow and ignorant.

Any Exciting News or Gossip? If it's about Lesbians, and you joke that maybe your one lesbian friend will be there, and you're right, you are shallow and ignorant.

2.) Sam Shepherd!

Collision Time/Location: Around 11pm. Phebe's Pub on Bleeker and Lafayette

And I know them from: Um, he's a famous playwright and actor.

Did I speak to them: No, but everyone else did.

My general feeling about this encounter: All the NYU acting grads go to Phebe's after their shows. Last night, Sam Shepherd was at the bar. He was hitting on women and being the drunken prick he's known to be. It was awesome. My friend Adam really loves him and found out where he was going after Phebe's and went there with another friend, Wes. They closed the bar talking to Sam Shepherd. I made Mat go home early. Mat is a playwright, too, and maybe would have gained some knowledge from speaking to him, but Mat wasn't happy about Sam's "bad boy" ways. On the way home, we talked about how it would have been really dramatic if Mat had gotten into a bar fight with Sam Shepherd because he was cheating on his wife and hadn't written a play in years and punched him the crap out. And then yelled something like, "Who's the shepherd now, Jerk-off!," or "Hey, Shepherd, did you see Brokeback Mountain, Faggot!" And then in the papers the next morning, the headline would be, "Sam Shepherd Punched the Crap Out by Emerging Playwright," and everyone would be like, "whoa, that sounds like something that would happen in a play." And then the world would cave in on itself.

Any Exciting News or Gossip? Sam Shepherd hangs out at Phebe's and some other bar called, like, Stinky's or something.

I'm BACK!

2006-01-30T07:08:00.000-05:00

So, HA!

GO AWAY!!

2005-11-07T14:47:00.000-05:00

No, don't.

Go here:

http://hamonthetram.blogspot.com/

Thank you.

Please familiarize yourself . . .

2005-07-11T12:40:00.000-04:00

with Ill Mitch:

Please click here. Thanks.

Sidewalk Lane Proposal

2005-07-06T14:05:00.000-04:00

Skeleton Jokes

2005-06-06T14:10:00.000-04:00

Sometimes at work I get to run errands. They call me a car service and everything! Last Friday, I was to go to Toys R Us and get a checkers set and a chess set.

This office is always playing games!

So, I'm outside of the building on Park Avenue and I don't see car 187. I wait next to the flag pole.

I have an envelope full of money in one hand and my bag in the other.

Enter an older (50's maybe?) dark-skinned man with a short, trimmed, graying afro. He is wearing all black - black pants and a turtleneck.

"Can I ask you a question? Do you do yoga or aerobics?" He has a thick accent. I can't identify it. I couldn't understand it at first, so I made him repeat the question.
"Have you ever been a dancer?"
"No." I don't want to talk to him. I'm on a mission from work. My car is not here.
"You mean you don't do aerobics? Nothing? Yoga?"
"I run when I have the time."
"You look like you could be a dancer. Very elegant body." He looks me up and down. It's not that creepy, because he seems gay, but whattya know?
"Thank you." Please go away.
"I have tickets to see Susan Stroman on June 11th at the Joyce. A dance piece."
"Oh." Where's that car!

"Okay, after I ask you a question you say, 'why?' okay?"
"Okay." What!!??!!
"Why did the skeleton go to the movies alone?"
OH!! He's telling me jokes!! Okay!!
"I don't know, why did the - "
Turtleneck cuts me off with, "No. Just say, 'why?' "

"Why."
"Because he has no body."
ha.

"Here's another one. What did the Skeleton have for dinner?"
"I don't - " Crap I forgot.
"Just say 'Why?'"

That doesn't make sense.

Oh well.

"Why?"
"Spare Ribs."

ha. HA!

"May I ask what is your name?"
"Denise." First name that came to my mind.
"Oh, like Denise Richards!"
"Yeah! Denise Richards!!

"I have an extra ticket on June 11th to see Susan Stroman. Would you like to came with me?"
"Oh, sorry. I can't."
"You have a boyfriend."
"Yeah."
"What. He won the Lottery or something? To get a girl like you! He must feel like he won the lottery or something!!"
I just laughed and nodded. Maybe I said, "Thanks." I don't remember.
He said "Goodbye. Nice meeting you, " and walked away.
"You too!"

Then, the black Towncar in front of me put his "Car 187" sign in the window.

Another reason I need to learn to kick serious booty -- so that I can agree to go to some dance piece with a 50 - year old turtleneck with an accent if only for the story.

Stickerbook Press!

2005-06-01T15:39:00.000-04:00

From The Gothamist:

CBGB’s hosts Random Acts, a night of improvised and sketch comedy on Wednesday night. Improv groups America! and Filibuster perform as well as our favorite all-girl cover band, Stickerbook. Composed of actresses, writers and comedians, Stickerbook is already a talented group. But on top of all that they have a theremin player and wear costumes. And honestly, you haven’t heard Aerosmith’s “What It Takes” if you haven’t heard it performed on a theremin. Random Acts – CBGB’s Gallery (313 Bowery @ Bleecker)Wednesday June 1 - 8:30 pm - $5

That's ME!! I'm the theremin player!! YAY!!

5/29/05

2005-05-29T21:30:00.000-04:00

5/15/05

2005-05-15T15:52:00.000-04:00

illu -STATION

2005-05-09T15:33:00.000-04:00

5/9/5

2005-05-09T10:44:00.000-04:00

This morning, I was running late for work, so I went to the corner of Houston and C to get a cab. I was almost to the corner, and I saw a cab waiting at the light, so I picked up my pace a bit in order to catch the cab before the light turned green. There was a dude walking slightly in front of me, who didn't seem like he was going to need a cab. As soon as I started to lightly jog towards the cab, this dude in front of me breaks out into a sprint and jumps into the cab that I wanted. And when he gets in, he sits down and stares straight ahead! Of course, I wanted to stare him down. I was NOT trying to race this guy. I didn't even know that he was interested in taking a cab at ALL! It almost seemed like it was not his intention to take a taxi at all this morning, but instead he has a competition trigger. He couldn't stop himself from winning the cab! He might as well have just tagged the cab and then cheered or something.

Nerd.

I think I'll start carrying around ribbons for competitive people.

Like, when someone you're having a normal conversation with starts to argue a really minor point to an extreme.

Here's an example --

You're like: I really like these salads with the mesculin mix of greens!
And they're like: I believe that's an organic field mix.
Then you're like: Oh. Okay, cool. Maybe it's just a salad - -
And they're like: because it doesn't have frisee.
You: Frisee, huh?
Them: YES. FRISEE IS AN ESSENTIAL PART OF A MESCULIN SALAD MIX. AND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ORGANIC SALAD AND A NON ORGANIC IS LIKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO READ AND SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T. I ONLY EAT ORGANICS.

Jeez Louise!

So, this is the point in the conversations where I hand them the blue ribbon.

Or, if I really want to tick them off, the red.

This is gonna be fun.

High School

2005-04-25T15:30:00.000-04:00

I'm going to my 10 year high school reunion this weekend.

So, I've been thinking a bit about The Westminster Schools, Atlanta, GA.

I looked at the student handbook online. It hasn't changed much except that now, in the Student Conduct section there are policies about computers and the Westminster Information Network, etc . . .

I think they gave me an email address in high school, but I had no idea what to do with it, and like I EVER went into the computer lab! At home, I think we had Prodigy, but we didn't know what it was or how to use it.

Old lady Jen went to high school before the internet!!!

The dress code is the same, pretty much. Boys still must be clean shaven and must not wear coveralls. That is unfortunate. For girls, I think one phrase has changed, "Shirts should be tucked in unless specifically designed not to be." I'm not sure what that means if girls are also forbidden to wear bare midriffs.

I was looking for a specific rule of conduct in the Westminster High School Handbook.

The Discipline Council has done away with the handbooks most notorious rule, The 45 Degree Angle Rule!

The 45 Degree Angle Rule stated that it was not in good conduct for student to lie down in a position perpendicular to the ground. The student's body must form an obtuse, 135 degree angle, maintaining an angle of 45 degrees between him or herself and the ground at all times.

I guess this was to discourage sleeping and making out.

I'd like to take the credit in the Off-Limit's section for area #7: Woodruff Elementary School Playground.

My friends and I used to go play on the playground during our free period during our stressful Junior year until we were "arrested" by the campus police. We didn't end up getting detention, because this area was not in the handbook as "off-limits." It has been off limits ever since.

You're welcome, Westminster.

Theremin Night at Alphabet Lounge

2005-04-12T18:33:00.000-04:00

Tonight is Theremin Night at Alphabet Lounge (104 Avenue C at 7th street).

You know why?

'Cause I'm gonna be there and I'm gonna bring my theremin AND I'm gonna play it --

with TWO DIFFERENT BANDS -->

Check it, guys

10:00pm - Omri. (He's great. It's slow, chill music with keyboard and trumpet and guitar and of course THEREMIN!)

11:00pm - Katie Brennan and the Holy Bones (Katie plays the harp. She's wonderful and fascinating. Tonight, the Holy Bones are Harp, Drums and what else friends?? THEREMIN!!)

NO COVER!

Out like a Lamb

2005-03-31T15:16:00.000-05:00

"Hey Jen. Since it's our last day at work, we're all going out for drinks at 5. We've invited [the other temp who's last day was Tuesday], too."

Okay, so what the hell. My last day is Friday.
I am so sick.

Before we left the office, I had come up with something to say in case anyone decided to speak directly to me.

"Hey Jen, did you order a drink?"
"No, I thought I just sit around and not say anything here just like at the office. Do you need anything copied?"

No one said anything to me directly. I know I was invited. They asked me twice and made sure I was coming!

We went to Divine Bar. It's a wine bar in midtown. I had a glass of red wine.

"Oh! This is very smooth!"

Why did I say that? What do I know about wine?

I repeated the same thoughts out loud and got a laugh from the two nice French people who speak to me.

They're nice, those two. I showed them my theremin. Yeah, I had it with me.

I brought this huge gig bag in to work today. I got past security with it. It looks like a mysterious package, if I've ever seen one. Still, no one said anything.

After the glass of wine, I started a conversation with one of the analysts who had resigned. He had always seemed like a kind fellow, though.

"How long do you have before your next job starts? " etc . . .

He replied and asked me the same question. I told him how it'll be nice to have some time off, blah blah blah . . . Then he became someone my parents know or someone from my high school who has been more successful at the age of 27.

"Temping can't be your long term goal . . ." A touch of the snob there.

"Right now I'm mostly playing music, so, who knows . . ."

(Nothing. No comment. No look of interest. NOTHING.)

Then the wine kicked in.

"Have you ever heard of an instrument called a theremin?"

I got the typical Atlanta Christmas Party answer and the conversation after followed a typical script.

(I'm from Atlanta, GA. Buckhead. Went to a prep school for 13 years. Raised United Methodist. Never allowed to listen to rock music or watch TV. First kiss at age 18. Mom, Dad, Me. Dog. Cat. That order. Healthy understanding of my upbringing. Sympathetic to anyone who may have not expanded. Expanded? Yeah. Expanded - Since the '50's. Makes sense to me. Anyway. The Christmas Party conversations always make me feel like a freakshow. Always make me feel doubted. Why doubt another human being? So unfair. Worst possible thing you can do. . .)

I always forget about this world of people. The condescending conservative world. The world where no one gives a crap about anyone who can not help them achieve conventional success or does not have similar experiences.

WHY the FUCK to people STRIVE to live similar lives and parallel stories?

So, in my efforts to spark anyone's interest with my creative prowess and spunky exciting endeavors, I found myself alone, in a puddle of either disdain or jealousy, and thank goodness it was time for band practice.

I run to FUNKADELIC Studios.

It's huge and loud and I found room 12. I guess we got a drummer. The drummer(Chris) is a hipster blonde dude with earplugs. Itomar (producer, guitar) is smoking. Omri(lead, acoustic guitar, keyboard) looks meek. Amek(bass) is late.

Band Cast Costume Description:

Chris: Caucasian. Shaggy blonde hair (dyed?) Faded yellow striped Izod, Jeans, Pumas, Black Plastic bracelets, Blue tinted thick-framed glasses, earplugs. Straight.
Itomar: Israeli(Olive skinned, dark complexion). Long nappy dark dreads. Wife-beater, jeans, combat boots, tattoos on his right arm: the face of an (American?) Indian and two designs, above and below it. Piercings? Straight.
Omri: Israeli (Olive skinned with light hair). Overgrown Mohawk. Neatly trimmed mustache. Green button-down shirt. Jeans, boots. Gay.
Amek: Israeli (Light skin, dark hair very Jewish) Tall as fuck. Curley hair with stuff in it to make it shiny. T-shirt, kakkis, dress shoes. Straight.
Jen: REALLY Caucasian. Long, dark blonde hair. Light green pants, cute little tank-top sweater, puma's. Blue ribbon. Silver jewelry. She's got that "just came from work in a conservative environment" look. Straight.

Okay, now let's play some rock and ROLL!

O-M-G it was so loud.

My ears were still ringing this morning.

Itomar and Amek really like to rock out. Chris is a really good drummer, and you can tell he didn't care. Between songs, he was scanning "Into the Woods" sheet music for a theatre gig he had to rehearse for later. Omri wrote all the songs that we are playing. He's shorter than everyone and really cool, but you can tell he doesn't want to sing hard-core ROCK AND ROLL.

I'm just distancing myself and laughing about the situation. Where the fuck am I and how did I get myself into this?

The fact that they all speak Hebrew all the time is totally not even an oddity anymore. I joked with Omri about it and he started translating for me, but only things that he thought were appropriate. I guess they talk about bitches and ho's most of the time.

We took a break. I sat outside our room in the hall, feeling sick and tired. A guy who works at FUNKADELIC walked by.

"Whassa matter? Get kicked outta the band?"

Dick-face.

We continued to rehearse. During the entire rehearsal, no one said ANYTHING to me about how I was playing! I guess I was perfect!

Oh, wait, no. They were too busy ROCKING OUT!!

After we seriously jammed out the last song for like, 25 hard-core minutes, I waited for the guitar to fade out.

"So, we're gonna wear our spandex sparkle outfits tomorrow?"

After rehearsal, the drummer went somewhere else, but the Hebrews and I hopped in a van to find something to eat.

I said out loud, "Wow! It's been a while since I've gotten in a car to find something to eat."

No one said anything. I mean, in English. No one said anything in English.

We listened to Pink Floyd in the van.

We went to the Thai Restaurant on 23rd street next to Malibu Diner, under the UCB offices.

Then, the Hebrews got HILARIOUS!

Omri: HAHA! I should get #V7. Gai See Mee.
Itomar: HA. Hey, Jen you should get # FR8.
(laughter)
Itomar: It's Mai Pric Koch! HAHAHAHA !
Jen : Omri should get #N4
Omri: Sai LONG SONG !!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

After the joking ceased, Itomar said that he thought the Pixies weren't cool.
Amek closed his eyes and started to pray.
Then they argued in Hebrew about it until some hot Thai chicks came in the restaurant. That's when Omri stopped translating.

After dinner, we went to the van, which was parked outside Gray's Papaya.

I am so glad Billy Merritt was in there eating a hot dog.
I waved at him until it was uncomfortable for both of us.
Then I got in the van with the Hebrews.

I'm sick.

2005-03-30T11:19:00.000-05:00

I started this journal as a way to document my adventures. It's a personal journal that I let other people read. I have all sorts of adventures every day that I don't write about. Some of my adventures are too personal to write about. I am feeling really sensitive today. I don't like this blog/journal today. It has become depressing and it feels too self-promoting. Today, I don't feel like telling anyone, even the 10 people who read this, how I feel or what I've been doing. Today, I feel like it's my business, not yours (whoever you are), what I am experiencing.

That's how I feel today.

Don Hill's and CB's Gallery gigs

2005-03-29T12:29:00.000-05:00

Okay, all 10 of you! You better sit down immediately, because big news is heading your way.

Hammy and I have two gigs this week! Look at the flyers!

hey! who turned out the lights?

2005-03-20T12:30:00.000-05:00

The moniter on my computer isn't working. HOW AM I TYPING THIS???

Well, I can see the screen, but it's wearing those really dark sunglasses that you get when you get your eyes dilated.

My computer screen is so chill.

I wonder if I'm making any typing mistakes.

Hey, at least I can see the screen a little bit. I went to the control panel and decreased the screen size. It's like I zoomed in on the screen. I'm reading and writing in like 18pt fun.

I just typed "fun" didn't I?

I'm gonna leave it.

You know what I meant.

font.

I meant "font."

So, everything on the screen is larger than usual. And, if I tilt the screen back all the way, it catches enough light for me tosee enough.

I can't keep this up.

Anyone know how to fix this?

Is it over?

It was a free laptop, anyway. I'm not complaining.

I can still access my itunes.

I should go ahead and get that ipod, shouldn't I, to save my music. Anyone wanna contribute to my own save the music fun?

I typed "fun" again. Fund. I meant "fund."

I have so many photo's downloaded on this thing, too! Am I gonna have to get that picture ipod?

That's too expensive. I'll just save this computer until I figure out how to transfer the photos.

I think I'm about to go spend 63.04% of my paycheck this.

I've spent a lot of $$ on music.

Hammy: Hey, music, baby, you're so hot, you want some money? No, take it! I don't need it! I need you, baby.

Music: [music]

Hammy: That's what I'm talkin' about!

Pangea Gig

2005-03-14T15:33:00.000-05:00

graphattack

2005-03-11T01:03:00.000-05:00

I didn't own a pair of jeans until I was 11. I was required to bring a pair of jeans to summer camp when I was 10. My parents thought that courderoys were jeans. I wore a lot of sailor dresses and smocked things. I liked it! It felt dramatic and old-fashioned. It felt unique! I didn't want to wear clothes that everyone else wore. Once, in 5th grade, someone gave me a splatter-paint sweatshirt. No way I wore that. I stuck with my gingham puffed sleeved button-up. How cool was I, huh! I went through a vintage clothing stage at the ripe age of 10! Wish someone back then woulda told me how cool I was. Also, when I was 10, I was way into Gilbert & Sullivan.

Sidewalk Cafe Gig

2005-02-25T13:58:00.000-05:00

Hi Kate, Natasha, Jake, 'Bert, and Jake and Bert's Dad. I see you all remained anonymous. I respect that.

Hello, Dennis Quaid. Can I call you Dennis? I will be just as happy to call you Dennis Quaid, or Mr. Quaid. It's a matter of how well we really know each other. Okay, this is a delicate subject. I noticed that you referred to me as Jen when you signed the guestbook. From that gesture, I am to assume that you know me well enough to call me by not only my first name, but by a shortened version of it. I am to assume that you know me that well because my blog has shown you my soul. I really admired your work in In Good Company. Mr. Quaid, I'm looking at your filmography on the imdb, and I hate to say this, but it's been a while since I've seen you in anything. I don't remember you in Traffic. I saw Wyatt Earp, but that was back in '94! If it means anything, I think you're better looking than Harrison Ford. I have to be honest with you, Mr. Quaid. The fact that you have signed my guestbook makes me feel really awkward and self-conscious. On the one hand, it's nice to have some publicity, and I hope you are really enjoying my tales of adventure. On the other hand, are you stalking me or something? I am only 27 years old. You are 24 years older than me. I have a boyfriend. I hope you can respect that. I do not want to discourage you from reading my writing, if you are reading it with an honest conscience. I just hope, Mr. Quaid, that you are as good-hearted a person as your character Dan Foreman. Thanks.

Hey you guys, I got another gig with those guys I played with on Tuesday! I should ask Portishead if I can play with them. Or Radiohead. Or Cheesehead, for that matter. The guy with the dredlocks is named Itamar. I think he goes by Etooch, though. Who knows. Here's a Flyer: (I really like the exclamation point after theremin.) !

I'll drink to that.

2005-02-23T11:49:00.000-05:00

Eliza gave me a CD of Elaine Stritch at Liberty and I started listening to it on my way home from work yesterday. I meandered around the East Village for quite some time with Elaine, looking in Hardware Stores for this particular type of hook that allows you to hang things on a metal mesh grid should you happen to have one.

I didn't find the hooks. But I got caught . . .by musical theatre! Hang me on a metal mesh grid should you happen to have one.

When I arrived at my apartment, I had listened to almost all of the 2 CD set. I kept my headphones on while I took off my coat and fed the cats. When I finally sat down at my desk, I was WEEPING. It started when she did Ladies Who Lunch. I listened to it twice and decided (again) that Sondheim was a genius, and what a perfect song for Elaine -- my best friend Elaine Stritch who kindly accompanied me on my errands and with whom I spent a very emotional part of my evening!! What a perfect song for Elaine!

When I moved to New York, I had serious car stereo withdrawal for months until I got a pair of really huge headphones for my CD player. It makes music so much more intimate when you have your ears covered with headphones and you can walk around at liberty (HEY-OO!). Once, while walking across the Williamsburg Bridge, a piece of music became particularly inspiring, and I felt an onset of groove. I danced like crizayzee all the way across the bridge. I'll take huge headphones over the car stereo any day.

But, ELAINE STRITCH!!!!???? No, she didn't make me dance, that would have been the ultimate. But she really moved me. I listened to Ladies Who Lunch on repeat on my way to work this morning and teared up each time she sings, "And here's to the girls who just watch. . ."

So as soon as I took off my headphones, Katie called and wanted to come over and get some black and white photos I had of a Holy Bones rehearsal so that she could use them on the flyer for a gig we have March 17th at Pangaea.

Katie was on her way to Alphabet Lounge because Omri was doing a set. I invited myself. We drank Coronas and listened to a band that did a Chili Peppers Cover. I told Katie after 2 beers that I could play the drums and that I wanted to be a vocalist because "what a release." Omri showed up. The bands were all running behind, so Omri's booking guy told him to play as long as he wanted. Joking, Katie and I were like, "Hey! Awesome! We'll be right back with our instruments!"

Omri took me seriously and asked his partner with the dreds who's name was not one I'd ever heard before. He was like "whatever, yeah. . . what does a theremin sound like?"

And so guess who had an impromptu theremin gig in an smoky East Village bar playing what the trumpet player/guitarist with the dreds and my friend the keyboard player and lyricist described with skipping unimportance as "music you'd play with your friends when you're really stoned" all within not 2 hours of SOBBING with musical theatre icon Elaine Stritch!!?????

I was only supposed to play on several songs, but every time I looked over at Omri between the songs, he would smile and whisper, "we need you!" That was an extremely therapeutic thing to hear -- especially when you've invited yourself to a friend's gig, had like 3 Corona's and talked yourself on stage with the musicians. Before each song, dreds guy would cross the stage SO intensely and say whatever chords I was supposed to know, like "G# F," with MUCH importance and concern. I furrowed my brow for intensity and thanked graciously him every time.

I wore the glove.

It really felt wonderful! I surprised myself with how comfortable I've become with my theremin. I'm starting to feel as if I am developing my skillz and I really enjoy playing. Katie and Heather commented positively on my improvement, too. I think Heather said something along the lines of, "Wow!! Looks like playing 80's covers is really paying off!"

I play best when I'm grounded and I'm most grounded after I've wept.

So, thank you, Elaine.

Thank you, Elaine Stritch, Broadway Icon, for the opportunity to pull electronic music out of the smoky ether in a slow-core set with two stoned guys at a bar on Avenue C .

So here's to the girls on the go--
Everybody tries.
Look into their eyes,
And you'll see what they know:
Everybody dies.
A toast to that invincible bunch,
The dinosaurs surviving the crunch.
Let's hear it for the ladies who lunch--
Everybody rise!
Rise!
Rise! Rise! Rise! Rise! Rise! Rise! Rise!
Rise! *
*From Company by Stephen Sondheim

Guestbook

2005-02-20T23:02:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me that maybe no one reads my blog.

That's fine!

That's hilarious!

It's really no problem. Especially because if you aren't reading it, you won't feel bad about not reading it when you read this post.

So, seriously, if you aren't reading this post, PLEASE don't feel bad about not reading it.

That would be like me feeling bad about never meeting you if we've never met and probably never will.

I'm not one to concern myself with worries that don't exist, you know?

Anyway. If you are reading this, could you do me a favor and leave me a comment on this post?

It'd be like a website guestbook.

Yeah, just go to the bottom there and click on "[#] Comments" and then click on "Post a Comment" and just check in! You can choose to remain anonymous, just let me know you, a reader, exist.

Thanks!!!

Scene Proposal for Laugh-In

2005-02-16T16:24:00.000-05:00

A Grouch and Another Person in an office.

Another Person: I'm getting coffee. Would you like some?

Grouch: Don't do me any favors.

Another Person looks at the calendar above the coffee machine and notices that February 16th is Do a Grouch a Favor Day. Another Person pours two cups and brings one back to the Grouch at his/her desk.

Grouch: What the F-#@&! What did I say?!!

Another Person: smirking You said "Don't do me any favors."

Grouch: Yeah, so what's with the coffee, you PRICK?

Grouch pours hot coffee on Another Person's head.

An Office Worker walks by.

Office Worker: I'm getting some paper towels, would you like some?

Person: DON'T DO ME ANY FAVORS!!!!!

Office Worker: thinking What a grouch!

(Go-Go/Disco Dance interlude)

Stickerbook Website

2005-02-15T21:35:00.000-05:00

STICKERBOOK WEBSITE!!!

Photos of Brighton Beach

2005-02-06T15:12:00.000-05:00

There must be a way to get these photos to look clearer.

Ocean Avenue ends here. Here at the ocean. In case you were confused.

Boardwalk

CAPTION CONTEST!

The winner gets his or her caption under this photograph!

caption example:

"I have the little babies and children every day at my doorstep, wanting to play games with me, asking 'Where is princess??' What is this torture!! I have skin disease makes me look like fetid artichoke!! I say get "gone you pigs!!" They laugh harder because I am Russian man with Scottish accent!!! I can no more live!!! " -- Oleg Petrovich, 48, of Brighton Beach New York.

MTA Excursion: Brighton Beach

2005-02-03T15:00:00.000-05:00

After work yesterday, I put on my headphones.

Now
I'm wakin' at the crack of dawn
to send a little money home
from here to the moon
is risin' like a discotheque
and now my bags are down and packed for traveling

Lookin' at happiness
keepin' my flavor fresh
nobody knows I guess
how far I'll go, I know . . .

I go through the secret underground tunnel and mall between my building and Rockefeller center to the train. I get a seat on the B train and settle in.

Glass and concrete and stone
That it's just, not a home.
And its glass and concrete and stone

It is just a house, not a home
And my head is fifty feet high
Let my body and soul be my guide*

Wow. This is cozy. I have to be at West 4th before 7pm. It's so comfortable on the train, though, and it's only 5:15. I get to West 4th at 5:34. What's the last stop on this train?

Brighton Beach it is!

Raise up - shake them lazy bones
Read the T-shirt but still don't understand
Comin' home with a little apocalypse
It comes, now do you have time for this?

A 3-tone carpet and a Jackie Chan spear
Lookin' at a hairdo and a belly full of beer
Well I ain't no poet, ain't got no rhyme
Well I got me a car and I don't know how to drive

The guy next to me is huge - fur-hooded Timberland Jacket - unaware that he's upsetting me by inching closer and closer.

In the event of a pressure loss
All our lines are busy now
I will be laughing out loud anyhow

The wormy man across from me leaves the train. I thought those bags - one full grocery sack and a large camera bag - belonged to him. They didn't? Did he forget them? Was he elderly? I don't remember what he looked like. Have those bags been sitting there all day? But more importantly, are those bags suspicious?

Ev'ryday, a little apocalypse
Lay down, lay down next to this
Lookin' at the body well I don't even know his name
Call me in this morning was a friend of mine

Well the wind so strong, it's blown us all around
Wind so strong, nobody settle down
Ev'ryday another apocalypse
Had a TV but I don't know how deep it is

Okay, I just spent all day trying not to be paranoid. That's the kind of thing that might just happen to me, though. Take the B train to Brighton Beach for no reason and that train is the one get's hit. Who would know I'm on this train? Spontaneity isn't very safe.

Please read the print advisory
Would you like to go ahead?
Dancin' wherever she goes - Tippytoes

Is the bomb inside the bag on a timer? Why would someone bomb a train that was leaving Manhattan? Okay, I'm safe. Unless the timer on the bomb is preset to go off an hour later, when the train goes back into the city. I just won't take this particular train back. I'll wait for the next B train or I'll take the Q. Forget my 7:00 appointment. What's really important here?

Rhetorical
Memorial
Invisible
Incredible
Unstoppable
Emotional
Illogical
Sensational

Little sister gotta take her medicine
Baby brother, gonna do it all again
Runnin' fast but cannot catch the bus
Funny feelin', this is part of us

There's totally just cake in that bag.

And you must take your medicine
Getting better everyday
Good for a limited time - Feelin' fine

We will return your things to you
When it's time for you to leave
So quiet nobody knows - Tippytoes*

Nevertheless, today, I confronted death.

In Brighton, I walk under the train tracks and find myself in a place I'm familiar with. There's an Italian restaurant at the end of the boardwalk in Coney Island. I'd been there twice before, to use the restroom. They always made me by a diet coke because if their "restrooms are for customers only" policy. That means that I'm close to the ocean!!

Picture this
Bumping lips
Everyone talks
Do a dialogue box

They shake and bake
Make a cranky face
They got rocks in the head
Got rocks in the bed

Pull the hood down
Grab the fold out
Is it too loud?
Is it all right?

Makin' contact
And you know that
Need a tight fit
To survive

I walk up the boardwalk. Someone has shovelled a path in the snow. It's really quite serene and pacifying. I thought it would be really creepy. It's dark outside. Who hangs out at night on the Coney Island Boardwalk in February?

Romeo
Said Juliette
Got a dialogue box
Hey look at me, that's my answer

All Sparkly white
Shiny bright
A genuine smile
The Renegade style

Gonna heat 'em up
And stir the pot
bake it a while
Then cool on the side

Tribulation
Revelation
Absolution
Prophesized

I'm a rich man,
I'm a poor man
But the main thing
I'm alive

A bunch of people hang out on the Coney Island Boardwalk in the winter. Because the sight is breathtaking.

There were two photographers there. Snow on sand is an interesting photograph.

Lost in Space
Cosmic haze
Beautiful wreck
Special effect

Clean and pure
Swift and sure
I'm ready to drop
In a dialogue box

Decoration
Innovation
My creation
Any size

If you try it
And you like it
You can have it customized

Gonna test ya
With a gesture
Do I feel ya?
Are ya scared?

In the darkness
In the details
At the movies
Or a play

Lovely.

I have to get back to West 4th. It's almost 6:30. I climb the stairs to the Q train.

Delightful evening.

All crinkled up
Delirious
Fall through the cracks
In a dialogue box

With a smiley bump
Gonna line 'em up
And the question I ask

Hey look at me
That's my answer*

*Songs I'm listening to are from the album "Grown Backwards" by David Byrne

Mandarin Electron

2005-02-02T21:31:00.000-05:00

Oh, wow. Listen! Shut up.

This is really important to me, guys.